What People with Good Conversational Skills Do (The Essence of Acceptance)

In my counseling practice, I see people who come to me saying, "I'm not good at communication (conversation)," and those who come for relationship advice saying, "The conversation went well, but it didn't lead to a second date."

There are those who are bad at conversation, and those who are good at it but struggle because it doesn't lead to anything further.

There is a common point between both of these types.

That is, both types are putting their energy into talking themselves.

But in reality, listening is more important than talking.

I have three children, and they have appeared on my note a few times. What I have felt as I have grown as a parent alongside my children is the "importance of listening."

Parent-child relationships, in particular, are the closest, so the longer you spend time together, the more you somehow end up knowing
how they are thinking?
how they are feeling?

Therefore, both sides tend to say, "Yeah, yeah, I get it," in the middle of a conversation.

It is comfortable to be with parents, friends, or colleagues where you understand each other perfectly, like finishing each other's sentences, and where everything is taken care of, isn't it?

However, if you make an effort to listen until the "period" at the end of the other person's sentence, the person speaking will feel a sense of acceptance, and
when both sides can feel this sense of acceptance, the relationship between them will become even better. ^_^

This "sense of acceptance" is the essence of conversation!!

Now, I will enter the main topic based on episodes with my children.
It is a bit long, but please bear with me. ^_^

Parent-child relationship (my children and me)

My two oldest children are already adults.

They have talked to me about various things since they were students, and even now, we have a parent-child relationship where we can talk about work, human relationships, romance, the future, and sometimes even sex.

Friends and boyfriends who hear about the conversations between my children and me are all surprised.

"Why can you talk about things like that?!"
"You talk to your parents about that?! Isn't that impossible?!"
and so on.

Conversely, "Why don't you talk about it?" is a question for me.

However, even I don't talk to my own mother about the things I talk about with my children.
Rather than saying I don't, I can't!!

It's far from being embarrassed... it's because I don't want to talk.

So, the question is, why can I talk to my children?

The desire to talk and be heard

No matter how much they are parent and child, both the parent and the child are individual human beings.

Life is not just about fun and interesting things, so
people carry various feelings, such as thinking "Oh no!", the frustration of not being able to do things as planned, or anger when their values are disregarded.

Whenever anyonewants to talk, it is because they want someone to receive the feelings they are holding in their heart
.

Furthermore, when people want to talk, they also weave their "thoughts on the content of the conversation" into the words they speak.

Now, here is a question for you.

・Do you let what your child says go in one ear and out the other?

・Do you ever put off listening to what your child says, telling them, "I'm busy right now, do it later"?

・Do you ever interrupt your child while they are talking and say, "Never mind that, did you finish what you were supposed to do?"

・Do you ever steer the conversation toward yourself when your child is talking to you?

Here is another question.

・Have you ever had your parents let what you said go in one ear and out the other?

・Have you ever had your parents put off listening to you, only to never actually listen at all?

・Have you ever had your parents interrupt you while you were talking?

・Have you ever had your parents turn your own story into a story about themselves?

The person speaking is unconsciously observing the attitude of the person listening.

Are they listening?
Are they trying to listen?

Are they not trying to listen?
Do they have no intention of listening at all?

The speaker is unconsciously sensing,
Are they receiving my feelings?
Are they not receiving them?
they are picking up on this.

Even if they try to talk many times,

"they won't listen to me,"
"they aren't listening to me,"
"they only listen when it's convenient for them,"
"they only talk about their own convenience,"

the speaker stops feeling like their emotions are being received, and they start thinking in their head,
"They won't listen (I feel like they're just letting it go in one ear and out the other), so I'll stop talking."
Then, the desire to talk gradually fades away, doesn't it?

"They aren't listening to me..."
you might feel empty, or

"Even if I talk, it won't matter..."
you go into resignation mode, right? Your feelings are

that you want to talk. And, by looking at the listener's attitude,"they look busy,"

"they'll just ignore me anyway,"
you find reasons for the other person's behavior and end up with the action of
"not talking."
So, how can you start having a back-and-forth conversation?

That is, first, to listen until the very end of the other person's speech,until the "period."

The importance of listening until the "period."

As I mentioned at the beginning, when you spend a lot of time together, you can sometimes guess what the other person wants to say. However, this is merely your own assumption about the person you are listening to. It is entirely possible that "when I listened until the end, it was different from what I had expected."

What the other person says is what they think and feel.

Therefore, it is different from what is in your own head, such as:
“I guess they think such and such.”
“I guess they are thinking such and such.”
It is something different.

When you interrupt someone to say, “So you mean such and such, right?”, isn't that just what you felt when you had a similar experience?

To put it bluntly, you cannot know the other person's feelings or thoughts until you have heard them out to the very end.

Only by listening to the other person's story until the very end
will you begin to understand
their true feelings and thoughts.

If you want to cherish your relationship with the other person!
If you want to understand each other better!
If you want to know what they are thinking!
Then,
it is important to listen until the final period of their story.

And one more thing.

There was an essence we must not forget.

That's right!
“A sense of acceptance”is it.

The essence called “a sense of acceptance”

What is a “sense of acceptance”?

“Without judging, simply accept them as they are.”

This is a sense of acceptance.

The person speaking first and foremost wants you to “listen” to them.

The events that happened today...

What they thought about today...

What they considered today...

They just want you to listen and accept it.

Let me ask you once more.

・How would you feel if the other person brushed off what you said?

・How would you feel if your story was put on the back burner?

・How would you feel if your story was not listened to at all?

・How would you feel if your story was changed to something else?

You would get angry, feel sad, or feel empty, wondering why they won't listen to you, right?

Not being listened to feels the same as being ignored.

Things you dislike being done to you are often felt the same way by the person speaking.

And,
from the heart that feels unheard,
they think, "It's probably useless to talk,"
and end up taking the action of "not talking."

That is how much your listening postureduring a conversation can affect human relationships.

From that way of listening, they feel, "This person will listen to me," and when something happens next time, they think, "I want to talk" in the same way.

They listen until the speaker finishes.
And, because they can feel a sense of acceptance—that their feelings were received and their story was heard—I believe that is why they want to say, "Hey, listen to this," and talk again.

Conclusion

Conversation is a series of listening.
If both parties focus only on speaking, the conversation will become one-sided.
First, try to be conscious of listening to the other person's story until the end.
After the other person finishes speaking, convey your own thoughts and ideas.
If you do that, the other person should also give you a reply to your story after your story ends.

Conversational skill is not a special talent; anyone can acquire it.

However, practice is necessary to acquire conversational skills.

You can start at any time.
Let's do our best together ^_^

I hope that what I have felt from my own experience will serve as a hint for your conversations in parent-child relationships and human relationships.