What I Finally Let Go Of After Constantly Thinking 'It's Still Not Enough'
“No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to
have confidence in myself.”
“Whenever I compare myself to others, all I see
are the things I’m lacking.”
Do you ever find yourself blaming yourself
like that?
Actually, I used to be exactly
a “bundle of complexes.”
As an adult, as if to fill that void,
I spent my days desperately earning certifications
and constantly polishing my skills.
However, no matter how many weapons I acquired,
the anxiety deep in my heart never faded.
This is a small story about how I finally took off my
“armor of certifications” and realized the “one skill” I truly needed.
I hope this reaches those of you who are
feeling a little tired from trying so hard right now.
1. That morning when I left my school bag behind and headed to school
“No matter what I do, I’m always worse
than everyone else.”
When did I start hurling such cold words
at my own heart?
When I pull on the threads of memory, I always end up
at that slightly bitter, painful childhood.
I wasn’t good at studying, nor was I athletic.
Among the things that made me an unremarkable child, there was only one thing I was “number one” at.
That was my height.
I was taller than anyone else in my grade.
For me at that sensitive age, that fact
wasn’t a source of pride, but just a complex.
“A useless giant.”
“You’re so big.”
The words people around me said without malice
pierced deeper into my young heart
than I had ever imagined.
One day in the fourth grade of elementary school,
I stopped carrying my school bag.
Even carrying that bag felt like it was emphasizing
my “bigness,” and I couldn’t bear it anymore.
I still vividly remember the slightly cold air
and the indescribable sense of loneliness
on that morning when I left my school bag behind and headed to school.
2. The “armor of certifications” I kept wearing to hide my lack of confidence
“Because I am inferior to others,
I have to work many times harder than them.”
That curse-like belief
relentlessly chased me
even after I became an adult and started working.
To keep from being left behind by those around me, and to prove my
worth, I was always desperate.
I would look up necessary certifications, study for them, and
spare no time in polishing my skills.
Every time I got a new certification, I would sigh with relief, clinging to the hope that, “Maybe now, I can have a little confidence.”
However, reality was cruel.
No matter how impressive the certifications I lined up on my resume were,and no matter how many new skills I acquired,
the “bundle of complexes” deep in my heart didn’t shrink by even a millimeter.
No matter how many certifications I earned, the unconfident me
remained standing right there.
As soon as I finished climbing one mountain, the voice saying “It’s still not enough, you’re still not good enough” would echo in my head.
I would compare myself to someone else again, taste a sense of defeat on my own,
and berate myself.
Before I knew it, I had just become unable to move,wearing layers of “armor called certifications”
to hide my lack of confidence.
3. The warmest skill in the world that truly saves me
At the end of days that felt like walking through an endless desert, I may have finally realized it now.
What I truly needed wasn’t a weapon to make myself look bigger,
or a combat skill to defeat someone else.
What I truly needed was simply a **“skill for living life.”**
The ability to face the me from the fourth grade who is trembling deep in my heart,
“You are okay just as you are.”
and gently say that to myself.A “skill for living” might not be about berating yourself or defeating someone else, but rather the **“ability to accept yourself as you are.”**No matter how many skills you stack on top without a foundation,
your heart remains unstable.
If you are suffering right now, thinking “It’s still not enough,” why not stop for a moment and turn your attention to
“the warmest skill”of accepting yourself as you are?Having shed several layers of armor, with lighter shoulders, I am finally about to start taking a deep breath in my own life.
Thank you so much
for reading until the end.🍀
It took some courage to put into words the complexes that had always been in my heart and the memory of that day I left my school bag behind,
but I am very happy that it reached someone like this.
If there is anyone out there right now who is comparing themselves to something and berating themselves for “not being enough yet,”
I hope this article serves as a trigger to ease your heart, even just a little.
I sincerely hope you find your own “warmest skill.”
🌙
It is okay to come back here.