Until You Gradually Let Go of the Person You Can't Forget

Chapter 9
In truth, I was more afraid of losing 'the me from back then' than losing that person

I thought that the only thing
I couldn't forget was that person.

That person's voice.

That person's smile.

That person's words.

The time I spent with that person.

Because I couldn't forget those things,
I thought that was why I was in so much pain.

But, as time passed little by little,
I suddenly realized.

Perhaps it isn't just that person
that I am unable to let go of.

The me from when I loved that person.

The me who was happy just to see them.

The me whose day brightened
just by receiving a message.

The me who believed in the future, even if just a little.

The me who could think,
'Maybe it will be okay with this person.'

Perhaps I was also afraid
of losing the me from that time.

When I was in love,
there were little joys in every day.

Will I get a message today?

When can I see them next?

What should I talk about next time?

Just thinking about things like that
made my heart feel a little warmer.

The time spent choosing clothes,
the time spent thinking about messages,
the time spent waiting for the day we could meet,
all felt special in some way.

On the days I met that person,
even the usual scenery looked a little different.

The road to the station.

The meeting place.

The way home we walked together.

Memories kept growing
in ordinary places.

That is why, when the love ended,
it wasn't just that I lost that person.

The joy of heading to those places.

The happiness of waiting for a message.

The time I spent feeling a little giddy thinking about someone.

The me who felt, 'Maybe I am being loved too.'
I felt like all of that had disappeared along with them.

That was lonelier than I had imagined.

I loved that person.

But at the same time,

perhaps I also loved the person I was
when I was in love with them.
The me who could cherish someone.

The me who could be made happy by small things.

The me who could imagine the future

and be a little optimistic.
I felt as if that version of me

had suddenly disappeared because the love had ended.
That is why it was painful.

It is painful that they are gone.

But it was also painful that I could no longer return

to the me who loved that person.
After breaking up,

it is not just the other person I remember.
I also remember the me from back then.

The me who was laughing.

The me who was hoping.

The me who was trying to believe.

The me who was pushing myself a little too hard.

Even so, the me who was giving it my all.

The me from that time

might have been clumsy.
I might not have been able to express my loneliness well.

I might have endured too much.

I might have expected too much.

But I was truly serious.

I truly loved them.

I was truly trying to face someone.

I didn't want to think that even that version of me

was entirely a mistake.
Perhaps that is why I couldn't forget.

Forgetting that love

felt like denying the me from back then.
But in reality,

just because the love has ended,
it does not mean that the me from back then disappears.
The me who loved.

The me who tried hard.

The me who tried to believe.

The me who, while getting hurt,

still wanted to cherish things.
All of that remains within you.

Even if that person is gone,

the fact that you were someone who could cherish another person does not disappear.
Even if that love has ended,

the fact that you tried to love with all your might does not disappear.
Even if the result was not what you hoped for,

those feelings do not go to waste.
When a love ends,

it can sometimes feel as if that entire time has been destroyed.
You might think that loving them had no meaning,

or that the version of you who believed was foolish,
or that the time you spent trying hard was not rewarded.
But I don't think that is the case.

Within that love,

you used your heart a great deal.
You felt joy.

You worried.

You cried.

You tried to believe.

You tried to understand each other.

Even while getting hurt,

you still cherished them.
That is proof

that your heart was truly alive.
It is proof that you were truly in love.

So, you don't have to

blame the me from back then.
'Why did I love them so much?'

'Why didn't I walk away sooner?'

'Was I a fool?'

Even if there are days you think like that,

please don't blame that version of yourself too much.
The you from that time

was doing their best in their own way.
You believed because you loved.

You waited because they were precious.

You tried hard because you didn't want to lose them.

That is not just weakness.

It is also your kindness,

and the strength you had to try to love.
Of course,

you don't have to make the painful parts beautiful.
If there were times you endured too much,

it is okay to acknowledge that.
If there were times you were hurt,

it is okay to admit, 'That was painful.'
If you wanted to be cherished more,

you don't have to pretend those feelings didn't exist.
But at the same time,

you don't have to blame the me from back then for everything.
What is needed after a love ends

might not be to blame yourself, but to gradually embrace the me from back then.
You did your best, didn't you?
You really loved them, didn't you?

Even though you were lonely,

you endured so much, didn't you?

You wanted to be happy, didn't you?
By speaking to your past self

in that way,

sometimes your heart will soften a little.
Letting go

is not just about forgetting that person.
It is about accepting the version of you who loved that person

without blaming them.
It is about going to meet the version of you that you felt you lost when the love ended,

and bringing them back with your own hands.
It is not about returning to the version of you that shone because that person was there,

but returning to the version of you that is here right now,
even without that person.

I believe that is
what it means to let go little by little.
Perhaps,

what you were truly afraid of losing
was not just that person, but the version of you from when you were in love.

But it is okay.
The you from back then
has not disappeared.
They remain within your memories of love,

within the nights you cried,

within the heart that tried so hard.
And from now on,

not for that person's sake,
but for your own sake,
you can use that kindness.
If you are someone who could cherish someone else,

from now on, little by little,
you can cherish yourself as well.
It is okay if you remember them again today.
It is okay if you miss the version of you from back then.

It is okay if you shed tears for a time you cannot return to.
Those tears
might not just be for that person, but also for the version of you who tried so hard.

So, please, do not blame them.

The version of you who fell in love.

The version of you who believed.

The version of you who hoped.
The version of you who, even while getting hurt,
still loved.

Not denying that version of yourself

is an important step before letting go.

At Kokoha,

I listen to feelings of unforgettable love without denying them.

If this article has made your heart feel even a little lighter,
that alone makes me truly happy.

If you would like, supporting me would be
the strength I need to keep writing in the future🌿

Kokoha