The 3 patterns of 'thinking I'm listening' that I realized after being told repeatedly to 'listen until the end'

'Listen until the end'

When I was a young employee, I was often told that at work.

I was practicing the 'listening skills' I learned from books, and I understood the content. I wasn't interrupting the other person either.

Even so, why couldn't I get the other person to think I was 'listening'?

I would like to talk about that this time.

3 patterns where you easily 'think you are listening'

Why am I told to 'listen properly' even though I think I am listening?

Looking back, in my case, there were three main patterns.

1. Anticipating the other person's story and rushing to a conclusion

Something I often did in my second or third year as a working professional, when I thought, 'I understand the work!'

That is, from the moment the other person starts talking, I start predicting the conclusion, thinking, 'This story is about this.'

As a result, the moment the other person finishes speaking, I suddenly try to summarize it by saying, 'In other words, it's like this, right?' And I was often met with unpleasant looks.

Having a hypothesis while listening is not a bad thing in itself. However, I think it was a bit rude to try to summarize what the other person was saying in a definitive way right away.

It would be fine if the content I summarized perfectly matched what the other person wanted to say, but naturally, I couldn't hit the mark every single time.

If I summarize it in a way that deviates from the speaker's intention, the speaker feels, 'This person doesn't get it...'

Looking back now, I think it was inevitable that I would be told to 'listen properly' by such people.

2. Listening while preparing advice

The second is a failure from around my fourth to sixth year as a working professional, when I first started directly training new employees.

While the other person is talking, I start building an answer in my head, thinking, 'In that case, you should do this.'

It is a state where the other person's words enter my 'ears,' but my 'mind' is thinking about something else.

And as soon as the other person finished speaking, I would immediately offer advice like 'you should do this' or 'you should do that'.

Giving answers to the other person's problems.
I was convinced that was the right way for a senior to be.

As a result, my juniors would go silent and start distancing themselves from me.

③ Listening while superimposing your own experiences

The third one happened when I had gotten older and was being called a mid-level employee.

While listening to them, I would link their story to my own experiences, thinking, 'Oh, I went through the same thing'.

Because I had a similar experience, I 'understood'.
I naturally assumed that was the case.

However, later on.

The story I had listened to while thinking I 'understood' turned out to have come from a completely different background and different circumstances...
The other person's true feelings were elsewhere...

That is what I discovered.

Regarding the times I easily said 'I understand,' the person who told the story was actually being considerate and letting it slide without denying it.

Honestly, I thought that was quite embarrassing at the time.

This is not a problem of attitude or comprehension

The three patterns I tended to mess up.

Looking back now, I feel that those weren't problems of attitude or comprehension when listening.

'It's good to listen with a hypothesis'
'A senior should provide answers to a junior's problems'
'I "understand" precisely because I've had the same experience'

These strong preconceptions distorted my 'way of listening'.

The troublesome part is that these preconceptions were reinforced as I gained more work experience.

The longer someone has worked, the more their pattern recognition has developed precisely because they have experienced so many situations.

'This story will unfold like this,' 'This advice works for this situation'

I believe that developing such intuition is also a sign of personal growth.

However, as a result of accumulating experience in this way,

I started thinking, 'It went well that time, so it should go well next time,' or 'I have more knowledge and experience, so I should be able to do it well.'

I began to come up with 'my own answer' before the other person's words even reached me.

My own growth was manifesting in both positive and negative ways.

The single question that became the catalyst for change

So, how did I break out of 'thinking I'm listening'?

In my case, the catalyst for change was this question posed during a Trust Coaching course.

'Who do you want to be recognized by right now?'

Through this question, I realized that behind my feelings of:

'It's good to listen with a hypothesis in mind,' 'A senior should provide answers to a junior's worries,' and 'I understand precisely because I've had the same experience,'

there was a desire to be recognized.

• Wanting to state my own conclusion immediately

• Wanting to give advice immediately, thinking it's for the best

• Wanting to talk about my own experience because I thought 'I understand'

When I thought about it, all of these were rooted in the feeling of 'I want you to understand me' or 'I want you to recognize that my judgment is correct.'

However, at that moment, I suddenly came to my senses.

'Is the person I want to be recognized by the person right in front of me who I am talking to now?'

While talking with various people, I thought about it each time. The answer was almost always 'no.'
The person I felt I wanted to be recognized by was almost always someone who wasn't there—a boss, a senior, or someone I couldn't even specify.

The person I felt I wanted to be recognized by was almost always someone who wasn't there—a boss, a senior, or someone I couldn't even specify.

Since realizing that, I have been able to set aside my desire to be 'recognized' for a moment and think about 'what is the best way to engage with the person in front of me right now.' As a result, I have reduced the frequency of jumping to conclusions, summarizing, giving advice, or declaring 'I understand.'

I became a version of myself that could 'wait' just a little bit.

And, interestingly, once I was able to 'wait,' the person in front of me started talking even more.

Yes, I was able to move forward into 'active listening.'

Things you can try starting today

When we talk about 'listening skills' or 'active listening,' I think we tend to focus on attitude, comprehension, or logical thinking.

However, based on my own experience and talking to many people who struggle with 'listening' as a coach, I feel that listening skills are not just made up of superficial attitudes or understanding the content.

'Am I listening to the other person's story without making assumptions?'
'Am I trying to answer just to show off halfway?'

Yes, can you stop and think right there while the person is talking?

For me, those two points became major keys to improving my 'listening.'

And the question that triggered that was this one from Trust Coaching:
'Who do you want to be recognized by right now?'

What kind of question do you think has significantly raised your own 'listening skills'?

Please take some time to reflect on this yourself.

If you can't think of any, or if you want to have a question that will further enhance your 'listening skills' from now on, please come to Trust Coaching to find that question.

I am always waiting for you in my courses.

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