On nights when it's scary to 'admit'—it might not be weakness, but a form of protection
There are nights when I cannot apologize.
The words "I'm sorry" stay stuck in the back of my throat,
unable to come out.
I know I should say it.
I know that if I say it, it will be over.
But my body won't move.
"Why can't I even do this?"
There have been nights when I thought that.
I thought I could do it.
I thought I was capable.
But when I actually tried, I couldn't reach it at all.
I felt blank, and then,
slowly, the shame set in.
"That person is just lucky with their environment."
Haven't you ever thought that in secret?
Even though I don't have that.
Even though it's impossible in my situation.
By telling myself that, I was barely able to breathe.
Why is it so difficult to "admit" things?
I wonder why that is.
Apologizing.
Admitting my own limits.
Admitting my dissatisfaction with my environment.
All of these are painful.
And in all of them,
there is a feeling that "the moment I admit it, something will collapse."
The true nature of that feeling is probably this:
"Admitting it = my value decreases"
—because there is a judgment that is almost instinctive.
Throughout our long, long history, humans have lived in groups.
Feeling that you have value is deeply connected to the sense of being able to be there with peace of mind.
That is why your brain and heart may still instinctively try to avoid things that feel like they might lower your value.
Apologizing.
→ "I was the one who was wrong"
→ "The other person was right"
→ "My position is lowered"
Admitting your own limitations.
→ "I'm not as capable as I thought"
→ "My value is not high"
Admitting dissatisfaction by comparing yourself to others' circumstances.
→ "I'm not doing well"
→ "That person is above me"
All of these are signs of a "drop in value" that the brain detects.
That's why your body tenses up, or your throat feels tight.
That's why words like "it's that person's environment's fault" come out.
It's not that you're weak; it's just how the mechanism works.
But it is also a form of "protection."
This is the important part.
If you end the conversation just by talking about instincts, you might feel like, "So, is there nothing I can do?"
However, there is another way to look at it.
The fact that it is difficult to admit something might also be...
“a mental defense to keep from breaking”
also.
You can't apologize.
That might be because,
“I have had experiences where nothing changed even after I apologized”
“I have been attacked even more after apologizing”
“I have a feeling that apologizing means everything is my fault”
there is a form of self-protection there.
You can't admit your own limitations.
That might be because,
“There was always something there that made me feel that a version of me that couldn't do something had no value”
“Believing that I could definitely do it if I tried hard was my emotional support”
there is a form of protection there.
You want to say, "That person is blessed."
Perhaps, it is that,
“I can no longer find the answer within myself”
“I couldn't bear the frustration unless I directed it somewhere”
—that kind of protection is there.
Finding it hard to admit something might not be weakness, but rather
a defense to keep from breaking.
So, when you wonder what to do about it,
unfortunately, there is no way to instantly become a person who can 'admit' things...
But there is one thing you can do right away.
The next time the feeling of 'I don't want to admit this' comes,
try to pause for just a moment.
“Ah, I'm trying to protect something right now.”
Just notice that.
That is enough.
You don't have to blame yourself for it.
You don't have to say, 'Why am I being so stubborn?'
Just,
“I'm trying to protect something.”
Acknowledge that to yourself.
An important step for your own sake.
Admitting something is not a defeat.
But for those who cannot think that way yet,
I hope that realizing you have 'a form of protection'
will be your first step.🌱
If you are feeling pained tonight because there is something you cannot admit,
please feel free to take a look at the free
'Overthinking Level Check'.
It is a check to help you
take a peek at your own 'protection' right now.
→ Click here for a 30-second “Overthinking Degree Check (Free)”
Thank you so much for reading this far^^
If you felt even a little bit like, “This might be me,”
I would be very happy if you could follow and comment🫶🏻✨
Counselor Yuna
With much gratitude to the magazines that have featured my note articles in the past💖 I am always encouraged by everyone's warmth✨✨
【With Gratitude🌸】Featured in the super passionate✨ magazine by Satoshi Yamanaka.
【With Gratitude🌸】Featured in the super wonderful💕 magazine by Perin🍡.
【With Gratitude🌸】Featured in the cool😎 magazine by Border-Crossing Psychologist【Furiko】.
【With Gratitude🌸】Featured in the warm🫶 magazine by Yoshihiro.
【With Gratitude🌸】Featured in the naturally kind💧 magazine by Shizuku Amano✿Fortune-telling Diary.
【With Gratitude🌸】Featured in the sophisticated✨ magazine by Sukoshi Dake Michibito.
【With Gratitude🌸】Featured in the magazine by 💜SANACO.
【With Gratitude🌸】Featured in the magazine by 🍇Budou Spark.
【With Gratitude🌸】Featured in the magazine by 😊Village Chief Smile.
【With Gratitude🌸】Featured in the magazine by ✨Ten no Heya.
【With Gratitude🌸】Featured in the magazine by ✨Kawamura | AI Personification Manga | ChatGPT's Yoshida.
【With Gratitude🌸】✨12340's magazine.
【With Gratitude🌸】Featured in the magazine by ✨Mumu.
【With Gratitude🌸】🐶Arichan-sensei🐾 | Self-care for stiff shoulders and lower back pain - Running a one-person clinic's magazine.
[With gratitude🌸]🪴Sui-chan loves keirin🍀 has featured this in their magazine.
[With gratitude🌸]📕 Yu | Words for Unraveling Conversations has featured this in their magazine.
I hope to continue spinning the threads of words together with all of you✨