Endurance is not true 'strength.' True 'strength' is 'feeling your own emotions.'

This is a story from when I first started my counseling practicum (called a case) at a graduate school for psychology.
I went to see my supervisor for guidance, and after a few sessions, they said something like this to me.

"Endurance is not true strength. True strength is being able to properly feel 'I am in pain when I am in pain' and 'I am suffering when I am suffering.'"

I remember being surprised because those words didn't quite click with me.

After all, doesn't the brain translate a 'person who can endure' as 'strong,' 'admirable,' or 'having grit'?
In Japanese society, 'perseverance' and 'doing what you are told without complaining (without expressing dissatisfaction)' have been considered virtues.
I have been told that my whole life, and that is how I have lived.

Certainly, there are situations where endurance is necessary.
Sometimes, you have to set your emotions aside for a moment to get through a situation.

It is also a fact that I have a long, long history of getting through my days and surviving until now by doing just that.
I do not mean to deny that.

But what happens to our hearts when endurance continues 'forever'?

The heart stops 'feeling' and tries to survive.

I can't say I'm suffering even though I am.
I can't say I'm sad even though I am.
I pretend that I'm not angry even though I am.

When this situation continues, 'cannot say' turns into 'do not say.'

The endurance I had acquired might have been the result of protecting myself firmly so that I wouldn't break down.
Or perhaps it was the result of prioritizing 'productivity' or 'efficiency' to survive, or for something else that was more important to me, even if it meant killing my heart.

In any case, the important thing is the fact that I have become unable to use my 'true strength.'

For a very long time, this 'feeling' was considered a 'weakness,' but in reality, it is the opposite.

Everyone had this 'true strength' when they were born.
If you were hungry, you cried.
If your diaper was wet, you cried.
If your body felt itchy, you cried.
If you were tired of sleeping, you cried.
If you wanted to be held, you cried.

To adapt to society, we were required to gradually adjust the output of the strength we once had in this way, and at the same time, we began to spend our lives 'misunderstanding that we must not feel.'

Therefore,

when you are suffering, "I am suffering"
when you are sad, "I am sad"
when you are angry, "I am angry"

it becomes difficult to be conscious of these things.
It becomes difficult to properly 'acknowledge' that such emotions exist within you.

Feeling negative emotions is not a 'weakness.'
It is proof that your heart is truly alive.

However, caution is required when expressing those 'felt things' outside of your own thoughts.

Problems arise if you express negative emotions like 'anger' directly in human relationships.
This is because 'what is common sense to you is nonsense to others,' and everyone's 'normal' is different.

It is scary to be misunderstood or to have a relationship fall apart.
It is only natural to feel that way, which is why we swallow our emotions, adjust them by rephrasing, or laugh them off.

These are what we call social skills.

If you keep doing that while keeping a lid on your emotions, before you know it,
you won't even know 'what you are feeling.'

That is why, in that exchange with my supervisor at the beginning,
when I was told, "In counseling, don't think, feel,"
I ended up saying, "What do you mean by 'feel'?!"

Yes, since I was a beginner, that was where my training started, haha.

A place where we can 'experience together' what it means to 'feel' is
what counseling is.

It is a place without judgment or evaluation.
A place where there are no right or wrong answers.
A place where you are allowed to put your feelings into words, including negative ones.
Even those words you call complaining are important feelings for you.

If you are currently
'feeling like you can't keep going'
'but feeling like you have to keep going'
and you are stuck because you are being pulled in both directions, there is only one thing you can do today.

Please, try asking yourself.
'What am I feeling right now?'

At first, it doesn't have to be in words.
Sensory words or images like 'heavy,' 'stuck,' or 'scary' are enough.

Being able to feel is the entrance to recovery for regaining your true 'strength.'
It is scary to stop enduring.
However, continuing to live only by enduring is even more painful.

When that happens, it is okay not to carry it alone.
There is a place where you can talk. :)

Counselor | Yuna

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