"Was this what I wanted?" — Why you feel lost after arriving at your destination
In the bath, suddenly
"Was this what I wanted?"
Beyond the steam,
those words drifted up, all on their own.
I'm doing my job properly.
My life is, well, fairly organized.
To those around me, I'm probably "someone who has it together."
And yet, in the bathtub,
everything looks just a little bit faded.
Maybe it's not just in the bath.
On the way home after achieving results at work,
while being told "congratulations,"
there was an evening where a part of my heart felt strangely cold.
Buying something I'd wanted for a long time,
opening the box,
and having a day off where I just thought, "...So?"
Working hard, arriving,
and getting it.
Even though that's what happened,
the joy is a little smaller than I expected.
It's hard to talk to anyone about things like this.
Because I think that to someone who is struggling,
it might sound like a luxury problem.
"At least you have a job"
"I'm jealous that you have your life together"
Because I can see those words coming,
I smile and say, "Yeah, things are going well," and
think about it alone in the bath at night.
"I should have gotten what I wanted.
So why do I feel so empty?"
That emptiness
is not a luxury, nor is it selfishness,
nor is it because I lack gratitude.
"Lost despite having arrived"—it might be that kind of state.
If it were a story about getting lost on the road, it would be easy to understand.
You can't reach your destination, so it's natural to be troubled.
But this kind of being lost is a little different.
I walked according to the map,
and I arrived at my destination just fine.
Even though I arrived,
only the feeling of "Where am I?" remains.
The scenery is different from what I saw on the map.
That is the nature of this kind of being lost.
In psychology, there is a term called
arrival fallacy
.
It refers to the assumption that "once I get there, I will be happy."
"Once I get a job,"
"Once I get married,"
"Once I reach that position,"
"Once I have this much in savings."
People imagine themselves at the moment they reach their destination,
and place their "happiness" there.
But when you actually arrive,
the happiness you imagined isn't there to be found.
The euphoria of achievement fades faster than you thought.
And then, daily life begins again.
What's important is this:
The fact that you don't feel fulfilled even after arriving
doesn't mean there's something wrong with how you feel..
The human heart is built that way to begin with.
If you place happiness at a "destination,"
the moment you arrive, it just becomes your daily routine.
That's why the people who have worked the hardest to get there
are the ones most likely to get lost.
After all, those who have been slacking off never arrive in the first place.
There is one more thing I want you to remember.
The map to the place where you are standing right now.
That map, who were you when you drew it?
Probably when you were in your teens or twenties.
Back when you were still nobody,
desperate to feel secure,
and trying so hard to "do things right."
And the landmarks on that map,
even though it felt like I chose them all myself,
are places that make my parents feel at ease.
Places that everyone around me says are "good."
Places written on job postings or in society's definition of "normal."
Those kinds of borrowed landmarks are
often mixed in quite a bit.
Clutching that map,
I've walked with all my might for over a decade.
While walking,
you have changed.
The scenery you see,
the things you want to cherish,
and the way you get tired have all changed.
But only the map remains the same as it was back then.
That is why, when you arrive, this happens.
It's not that the map was wrong.
It's just that the you who drew the map and the you of today are different.
The 20-year-old you
wanted to arrive here.
That was the truth.
It's just that you, having grown older since then, are already starting to see something else.
That "gap"
floats up in the bath in the form of emptiness.
Do you know the one thing you must never do
when you get lost in the mountains?
Panic and move around.
The more you panic and walk around thinking "this isn't the place,"
the more energy you lose and the less you know where you are.
The golden rule when you are lost is the opposite.
Don't move aimlessly.
First, confirm your current location.
I think "being lost after arriving" is the same thing.
On the night you realize that emptiness,
people want to panic and move.
You try registering on a job change site.
You try requesting information on certifications.
You search for "how to find what I want to do."
You try to fill this emptiness with a new goal.
But that might just be
drawing a new destination onto the continuation of an old map
.
"Once I get there, this time for sure."
If you do that, you'll just end up in the same place again.
You'll arrive, and you'll be lost all over again.
That's why the order is backwards.
Before you look for a new destination,
you need to confirm where you are right now.
Confirming your current location isn't
some fancy exercise;
it can be something very simple.
For example, on a night in the bath when
"Was this really what I wanted?"
pops into your head,
instead of trying to erase that question,
try asking yourself just one thing in return.
"Lately,
have I had even a single moment where I thought, 'That's nice'?"
It doesn't have to be a big answer.
The smell of coffee on a Sunday morning.
A strangely shaped cloud you saw on the way home from work.
Twenty minutes spent reading a book without anyone bothering you.
Things you might think are "too small"
actuallybecome the first landmarks on your mapas it is now.
Your old map
might have been drawn aiming for a "place where you can feel safe."
Your map now
will be redrawn starting from "moments you can truly feel."
On nights when you can't find an answer,
it's okay to leave the bath still "not knowing."
When you're lost,
it takes time to confirm your current location.
That isn't stagnation;
I think it might be
the most correct way to spend your time to figure out where you are.
Finally
"Was this really the right thing for me to want?"
Nights when this question arises are tough.
But I believe this question is not a sign that your heart is breaking, but rather...
a sign that you've started wanting to walk using your own landmarks instead of borrowed ones.
not borrowed landmarks,
wanting to walk by my own landmarks,
a sign that says as much.
Only those who have walked properly will ever experience this state of being lost.
This state of being lost only visits those who have walked properly.
So, if you encounter this question while in the bathtub, don't panic and rush around; it's okay.
So, if you encounter this question in the bath, it's okay not to rush around in a panic.
Start with your current location.
Taking it slow is fine.
If you thought, "Checking my current location might be hard on my own,"
please feel free to take a look at the free "Spinning Thoughts Check."
It's not something that forces a new destination on you,
but a check to take a look at what is spinning in your head right now for once.
👉 Click here for the 30-second "Spinning Thoughts Check (Free)"
Thank you for reading this far ＾＾
If you felt even a little bit like, "This might be about me,"
I would be very happy if you connected with me 🌱
I'm also always waiting for follows and comments.
If the thought "Is this okay?" comes to you in the bath tonight,
it might not be the beginning of being lost,
but a signal that you have started redrawing your own map.
Counselor Yuna
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