How to Deal with Self-Esteem to Become Happy

To those meeting me for the first time, and to those reading again,
thank you.
I am Clover.

Among the many articles lined up,
like finding a four-leaf clover by chance,
I hope to deliver small happiness and realizations.
That is the thought with which I share my posts.

I write under the theme of "investing to become happy."
Investment is not just about money.
Through investing in the mind, body, and heart,
I value nurturing happiness
for both the present and the future.

Today,
I will think about
"how to deal with self-esteem to become happy."

It seems like it will be more voluminous than I thought once I start thinking about it,
so I will post this as the first part for now.
The second part is also being diligently prepared.

What is self-esteem

It is not "the self that is doing well,"
but "a sense of being able to accept even the self when things are not going well."

It is not the feeling of elation at the moment of success.
Even in a state of failure or incompleteness,

still, I have value.

It is a state of being able to think that at the foundation.

Therefore, self-esteem is not an ability or an achievement,
but a relationship with oneself.

Why is it good when self-esteem rises

1. You can take on challenges

Because failure does not equal a denial of your existence.

2. You are less likely to be swallowed by comparisons

Someone else's success does not immediately mean your defeat.

3. Human relationships become stable

Excessive desire for approval and defensive reactions decrease.

In other words, when self-esteem is high,
the fluctuations in life become smaller.

By reducing the ups and downs of emotions,
happiness becomes stable.

General ways to raise self-esteem

Methods to raise self-esteem
have actually already been talked about a lot.
And many of them make sense.

Here, I will organize these "common methods",
not as a superficial introduction,
but by delving into why they work.

1. Accumulate small successful experiences

This is the most classic way.

Self-esteem

is made of the accumulation of "evidence" that "I can do it."

You don't need big achievements right away.

• Wake up 5 minutes earlier in the morning
• Tidy up your desk
• Read one page of a book
• Walk for 10 minutes
• Resist sweets once
What is important is not the "scale of achievement"

but the fact that "you kept a promise to yourself."
The brain properly records the number of times you kept them.

Self-esteem is

more of a trust balance than an emotion.

2. Write down what you were able to do (Success Diary)

The human brain
has characteristics such as
"remembering unpleasant things strongly,
and easily forgetting things that went well."
(This is said to be called negativity bias)

So, consciously,
• 3 things you were able to do today
• 3 things you can be grateful for
• 1 action you can praise yourself for

write these down.

At first, it feels strange.

You might think, "Is this really okay?"

But if you keep writing,

you will realize the fact that

you are doing better than you thought.

Self-esteem is also
the work of recovering "facts you had overlooked."

3. Compare yourself with yesterday's self

Comparing with others has no end.

If you fight in a world where there is always someone better,
a sense of lack will remain forever.

So, shift the standard

from others -> to your past self.

It is okay if you have moved forward even by one millimeter compared to yesterday.

This way of thinking

is also connected to the "growth mindset"
proposed by Carol Dweck.
Ability is not fixed, it is something that grows.

If you stand on this premise,

failure becomes not a "decrease in value"
but "being in the middle of growth."

4. Have positive self-talk

We talk to ourselves all day long.
• Why can't I do this?
• I failed again.
• I'm useless after all.

When this inner voice is harsh,
your self-esteem is constantly eroded.

So, be conscious of

using the same words for yourself that you would use for a friend.

"You did your best today."
"You failed, but it's a fact that you tried."
"You can use this for next time."

At first, it feels hollow.

But words shape your thoughts.

Changing the words you use for yourself
is a redesign of your foundation.

⑤ Loosen your perfectionism

People with low self-esteem are actually quite serious.
• If I do it, I must do it perfectly.
• If I can't keep it up, there's no point.
• If it's not 100 points, it has no value.

This thinking is the flip side of ambition.

However,

perfectionism creates "all-or-nothing" thinking.

Once it falls apart, everything is ruined.

What is effective here is:
• 60 points is OK.
• Focus on the parts you were able to do.
• Value the fact that you "did it for now."

Self-esteem grows more from
"the fact that you were able to continue"
than from "perfect results."

⑥ Take care of your body

It is often overlooked, but it is extremely important.
• Lack of sleep
• Lack of exercise
• Unbalanced diet

Just these things cause your thoughts to lean toward the negative.
Mistakes become more likely, creating a downward spiral.

The mind is strongly influenced by the body.

Before raising your self-esteem,
• 7 hours of sleep
• Light exercise
• Soaking in the morning sun

Even just doing these things makes self-evaluation easier to stabilize.

If the foundation is crumbling,
mental adjustments are hard to make effective.

⑦ Contribute to others

It is strange, but
• Encouraging someone
• Doing a small kindness
• Being useful

When you do these things,

the realization that "I am a person who can create value" is born.

Self-esteem does not

complete itself only within you.
It grows within your relationships with others.

⑧ Deepen your self-understanding

• What are my strengths?
• What brings me joy?
• When do I feel tired?

Without knowing yourself,
there is no way to evaluate yourself.

Personality tests, reflection journals,
and counseling are also effective.

Self-esteem starts not from
"approaching an ideal image" but from "understanding yourself correctly."

Summary of general ways to raise self-esteem

① Small success experiences
② Habit of writing things down
③ Improvement of self-dialogue
④ Changing comparison standards
⑤ Loosening perfectionism
⑥ Improvement of lifestyle habits
⑦ Contribution to others
⑧ Deepening self-understanding

All of these make sense.

And if you work on them seriously, they will definitely work.

However,
there are reasons why it is still difficult or unrealistic.

The next theme continues there.

Why are general ways to raise self-esteem unrealistic?

The methods introduced in the previous chapter are all correct.
If you work on them seriously, they are effective.

Even so,
many people cannot keep them up.
They know, but they can't do it.

This is not because of "weak willpower," but
there are structural reasons.

① Because there is no immediate effect

Self-esteem is like a muscle;
it does not change visibly in a few weeks.

• Small success experiences
• Records of what you were able to do
• Improvement of self-dialogue

All of these are things that "work slowly."

However, humans are

creatures weak to immediate rewards.

Likes on social media have immediate reactions.
Work evaluations are also visible in numbers.

On the other hand, self-esteem is hard to quantify.

Efforts where results are not visible are hard to continue.

② The pressure of external evaluation is too strong

Even if you are told to "compare yourself with yesterday's self,"

society constantly forces comparisons with others.

• Annual income rankings
• Deviation scores
• Number of followers
• Promotion of colleagues
• Houses and cars

External standards enter your field of vision every day.

Before you can grow your internal standards,
you are pulled back to external standards.

In this environment,
maintaining self-esteem is not easy.

③ Because self-denial is a "defensive measure"

Self-denial is often considered a bad thing, but
it is actually a type of defensive instinct.

• If I don't expect anything, I won't get hurt.
• If I lower myself first, I'm less likely to be attacked.
• If I am humble, I am safe.

For people who have lived with this strategy,

"acknowledging yourself"
feels like becoming defenseless.

That is why the brakes are applied unconsciously.

This is not laziness, but
a remnant of the strategy that protected you in the past.

④ It has poor compatibility with perfectionism

The more people try to raise their self-esteem, the more
serious and ambitious they are.

This leads to the following:

・Trying to accumulate successful experiences perfectly
・Thinking it's meaningless if you can't write it down every day
・Blaming yourself again for what you can't do

As a result,

a reversal occurs where you deny

"yourself for not being able to raise your self-esteem."

Originally, the work of preparing the foundation
becomes a new form of self-attack.

⑤ No room in life

You know what ideal habits are.

But in reality,

・Work
・Childcare
・Housework
・Relationships
・Anxiety about the future

When you don't have any breathing room,
introspection and reflection are put on the back burner.

Self-esteem is "mental muscle training."

It is structured to demand even more training
from people who are already exhausted.

⑥ The "evaluation axis" is singular to begin with

This is the biggest problem.

Many people

measure themselves

by a single standard of
annual income, achievements, and titles.

Even if you say

"let's accumulate small successes"

in this state,
eventually, those successes

will also be evaluated by the same axis.
It's meaningless if your income doesn't increase.

It's worthless if you aren't promoted.
As long as the playing field remains the same,
your efforts will be absorbed.

⑦ Making self-esteem a "goal"

Originally, self-esteem is a foundation.

However, in modern times, it has become

・Something that must be raised
・Something you lose out on if you don't have it
・An indicator of self-growth

Then,

it becomes a task of finding

the parts of yourself that are still lacking.

The act of raising self-esteem

creates a contradiction that leads to self-denial.

⑧ The environment does not change

No matter how much you organize your thoughts,

・Negative bosses
・Workplaces with a strong culture of comparison
・One-upmanship relationships

will wear you down if they continue.

It is difficult to change everything
solely through individual effort.

While self-esteem is an individual issue,
it is also an environmental issue.

Summary of why general ways to raise self-esteem are not realistic

General methods are not wrong.
However,

✔ No immediate effect
✔ External evaluation is too strong
✔ Defensive instincts kick in
✔ Clashes with perfectionism
✔ No room in life
✔ Stuck with a single evaluation axis
✔ Turning it into a goal
✔ Environmental factors are significant

These overlap,
making them unrealistic.

Therefore, what is needed

is not "trying harder,"
but changing the structure itself.

From here on, I will show you the most important key
regarding "how to deal with self-esteem to be happy"
that I have been thinking about.
However,
since this has become a long text,
I will deliver this to you all here for now.

List of books I referred to in creating this article

Thank you for reading to the end.
I hope to see you in another article.
🍀May you be happy🍀