18 Years Ago When I Became a Mother, I Fainted but Felt Happy

Today is my son's 18th birthday.
Happy birthday, my son.

18 years ago, I became a mother.

My child was born after a very difficult labor.
Right after giving birth, I lost consciousness from heavy bleeding.

I had placenta previa (where the placenta covers the cervix), so I bled repeatedly every time my uterus contracted.
Furthermore, due to threatened premature labor, my uterus contracted frequently.
Bleeding. Anemia.

In the end, I was hospitalized for two months, admitted to the ICU, and was bedridden.

He was born a month premature and was a little small, but he didn't need an incubator and was soft and squishy.

He taught me that just being born, just being alive, is a miracle.

A birthday is a day to remember that.

A face with no anxiety, entrusting his whole body to his parent.

The way he would jump into me with his full weight.

I was surprised.

It's something taken for granted, but it's not a given.

Is it okay? Is it okay that it's me?

Confusion and the impatience of not being able to do things well.
The way it inevitably takes away your time, effort, and energy.
A sense of emptiness as if I wasn't myself, and a strange sense of fulfillment.

Those were days from another dimension.

Now, he's suddenly become an adult.
I think that, but a lot has happened.

He used to be afraid of being left alone even for a little bit, and would wait under the table even though I was just going to the tofu shop visible from the window (though he didn't want to go with me).

When he was in nursery school, I ran to pick him up early,
and I felt my strength leave me when he said, "You're here already? They're about to read a new picture book."

In elementary school, I used to go to the pool on weekends, but eventually, I was able to go with younger students on my own after school on weekdays.

I will write about my many failures. Next time, in detail.

From junior high school, time passed at an accelerating pace.
They outpaced my caution, and I found myself watching their back more often.

But even now, they sometimes come to my room to talk.
About meals, about the sports they like, just about nothing in particular.

This year, their favorite team, the Hanshin Tigers, is doing well, so they tell me about the players and how they are performing.

I don't really support my son's exam preparations.
While I think I should probably gather more information, I just don't know how.

My son knows that I am working hard on writing my notes.
I hope it inspires him when he sees it, but I wonder.
I don't know.

But even if I am facing the PC, if my son comes in, I stop and turn to face him.

Because I think there is only a little time left.
I feel like the time we spend facing each other and talking will also disappear.

When he was little, I always said 'later' and I regret that now.
I was overwhelmed back then, though.

We decided that the birthday dinner will be tomorrow.

I will bake a cake tomorrow.

I have baked a cake every year since we got an oven.
Even though I think he would actually be happier with a store-bought cake, I want to bake one.

His request for tomorrow is a whole shortcake.
It was the same last year. It's quite crumbly, though💦

With the feeling of 'thank you for being born'.

Every year, my feelings of gratitude and the number of people I am grateful to keep increasing.
This year, I am also grateful to you, the reader of my notes, for watching over me.
How should I put it, I feel like we have shared something.

Helping each other, teaching each other, empathizing, and being empathized with.
Regardless of whether we are parents or single, we are all like a family.

Birthdays are days for gratitude.

I learned that again.

Thank you, and congratulations.

18 years old.

The photo was borrowed from Chiyuki Asano. Thank you very much.

Thank you for reading😊 I would be happy if you could give me a like💗, follow, or comment💖