Choosing Not to Take Non-Regular Employment: In Days Where 'Just Being Alive Costs Money'

*This article is a sequel to my previous note, 'To Move Forward, Even While Lost'.

I felt sick again.
A nausea-inducing discomfort welled up from deep within my chest.
The moment I looked at my bank balance, reality pierced through me coldly.
My separation notice still hasn't arrived.
I haven't found a job either. I have no income.
Prices keep rising.
And just by being alive, expenses occur.

'You should get an income first.'
I feel like I can hear voices saying that.
Of course I want to earn an income.
I want an income right now.
For the sake of my livelihood, for the sake of my peace of mind.
But I do not intend to work in non-regular employment.
That is my choice.

I have experienced the unreasonableness of non-regular employment more than enough.
Sudden contract terminations, vague instructions, days where only the responsibilities grow heavier.
Even if I suppress my emotions and work, I am not evaluated, and there is no security.
I can no longer bear being treated as someone who is 'disposable'.

I am not standing still.
I am thinking, suffering, and taking action.
And I am continuing to learn.
I am building up what I can do right now, little by little.
That is not self-indulgence.
It is a quiet resistance, and a quiet step forward.

It might look like whining.
It must look like I'm playing the victim.
Even so, after much hesitation, I decided to write this.
It doesn't matter if it doesn't reach anyone.
First, I wanted it to reach myself.
I wanted to record that 'I am here'.

Just by being alive, expenses occur.
Even so, I hope that one day I can think that just being alive has value.
May this writing be a small light for someone carrying similar suffering.

The record of my previous Ise pilgrimage is here → To Move Forward, Even While Lost

Thank you for reading until the end.
I hope you have a wonderful day...