The Blade Deep Within the Heart.

Childhood trauma and painful memories are etched into the depths that form the foundation of the heart.

In addition to my own traits, I grew up in an environment where I was constantly scolded and berated due to my parents' lack of understanding, and where I felt I was only ever denied.

The phrase 'you only realize how grateful you are to your parents once you become a parent yourself' is so widespread that there is no one who hasn't heard it, but it was only after becoming a parent that I realized how disappointing my parents' humanity was and learned just how carelessly I had been treated.

It was my son, who made me a parent, who made me realize that.

Until he was a year and a half old, I tried to raise my son the way I was raised by my parents.

It didn't go well. I was just constantly irritated and couldn't feel that my son was cute.

Since I was exclusively breastfeeding, I got angry at every single meal when my son wouldn't eat even after we started weaning. Looking back now, he probably wasn't eating because he wasn't hungry since he hadn't weaned off breast milk, but at the time, the feeling that it would affect his growth—that I had to make him eat—combined with the frustration of 'I went to all this trouble to prepare it' led me to spit out these words:

'It feels stupid to be the one feeding you!'

I remember being shocked by the words that slipped out of my mouth. These were the exact words my father had said to me.

Although the situation was different, I vividly remembered how I felt when I received those words.

'It's not like I asked to be born.'

Along with that honest feeling, which could be called rebellion, I perceived that my value was equal to money, and a blade deeper than sadness was driven into the depths of my heart, one that I could not pull out.

Have you ever seen the term 'inner child'?

I believe it means the version of yourself from your childhood that lives inside you.

It seems that if this inner child is not satisfied, you will continue to struggle with various difficulties in life, such as depending on others or repeating the same mistakes in human relationships.

'Let's praise ourselves.'
'Let's acknowledge ourselves.'
'Let's heal ourselves.'

If such things could be achieved overnight and the blade stuck deep inside could be pulled out, that would be a happy story, but unfortunately, for someone like me who does not have the concept of 'acknowledging or forgiving oneself,' the difficulty level is high.

From the moment I reflected on myself for treating my son the same way my parents treated me, I began to give my son the words I wanted to be told and the hugs and embraces I wanted to receive.

Looking at my son's smile, I often feel that it was truly a good thing that I was able to realize it relatively early.

Was that already two months ago?
I told my son, in a quiet moment, about how I was hit and dragged around by my parents in my childhood.

That day, I believe my father was yelling at my son unreasonably, and I was trying to support him. Then, the conversation flowed into, 'He has always been like that.'

Since then, my son has wanted to hear that story several times.

At first, I thought he didn't quite understand it, or that it was just out of curiosity.
Thinking that my son, who is good at talking, would be able to answer, I asked him back.

'Are you curious about that story?'

My son answered, 'Yeah.'

'Why are you so curious about it?' I asked again, and he replied, 'Because I love you, Mommy.'

And then he said, 'Mommy, there's nothing to be afraid of, because I will protect you.'

The power of a child is...

How straightforward,

It was the moment one of the blades deep within my heart was pulled out.