[Love x Attachment] How to break free from the thought patterns that cause you to self-sabotage in relationships
Hello,
I'm Chiko, a partnership coach.
The more you fall in love,
do you suffer from thinking
that you have no value
or that you have no charm?
As soon as you enter a relationship,
you can't say what you want to say to your partner,
you end up walking on eggshells,
or you try too hard not to be disliked.
If you are trapped in these thought patterns,
please rest assured.
It is
not because you have no value,
nor because you have no charm!
It is because you have an "attachment style"
that triggers your self-sabotage switch automatically.
1. My encounter with attachment styles was sudden
My love life in my 20s was truly a mess.
After many twists and turns, I reached a point where I was obsessed only with polishing my appearance, convinced that "I have no confidence in love because I am ugly."
To gain confidence as a woman,
I believed the only way was to change my complexes:
my body shape, dark circles under my eyes, square jaw, blemishes,
and my face that looked too stern.
Convinced that this was the only way,
I invested time and money into
dieting, beauty salons, cosmetic procedures, hair removal,
eyelash extensions, nails, hair salons, and makeup products
to improve my complexes.
But even after doing all that,
I still couldn't truly feel confident in myself,
and the problem of self-sabotage in love wasn't solved...
Even if I could get into a relationship,
I would interact with my partner with the mindset of
"I'll be dumped eventually anyway"
or "I'll be disliked eventually anyway,"
so of course, I wasn't having fun,
and there was no way my partner could feel like it was fun to be with me either.
Since it wasn't fun for either of us,
a breakup was inevitable,
and I kept repeating, "Sigh, I got dumped again."
My confidence as a woman hit rock bottom.
Desperate to maintain some self-confidence,
I steered my focus toward working hard at my job,
where I was being evaluated at the time.
As a result, I achieved more and more success at work,
but the relationship issues I wanted to solve most remained unresolved,
and I actually fell into a loop of being too busy for love.
How do you even go about
falling in love with someone again...?
I was truly,
completely at a loss
as to where or how to start.
In the midst of that, what I learned from a book I picked up in desperation and from receiving coaching from the person who wrote it was,
that it wasn't that I was flawed, but that my attachment style was making me act that way.
It wasn't that I was bad,
but that my attachment style was causing it.
Once I understood this,
I felt relieved that I could
finally escape this negative loop,
and I remember the tears I had been holding back
just streaming down my face.
2. Knowing your attachment style helps you stop self-sabotaging in love
There are four types of attachment styles. I am the type known as anxious.
I am the type known as anxious.
To give one example of a characteristic,
let's say there is a fact that a LINE message was read but no reply came back.
At times like that,
I think things like, "Did I send a message that was hard to reply to?"
"Did they end up hating me?"
It's a tendency of the anxious type to interpret everything the other person does
in a negative light, wondering if I caused it all,
and to feel anxious on my own.
This is one of the tendencies of the anxious type.
If I think about it calmly,
they might just be busy,
or they might have just perceived that no reply was needed,
and there are infinite ways to interpret it.
Yet,
I am the self-sabotaging type who dares to interpret things negatively and feel anxious.
However, once you can identify the parts of this attachment style that act as self-sabotage triggers,
you can learn to control them,
and eventually, it is possible to stop them from being triggered at all!
Why do I only self-sabotage in love,
repeating painful relationships every time,
and losing confidence in myself...
For those who want to escape such a negative loop but cannot,
instead of spending time self-denying,
why not regain your self-confidence by learning your attachment style type?
3. Let's learn your own attachment style!
So, how can you learn your attachment style?
There is a lot of information circulating on internet searches.
Please try searching for things like "attachment style love."
Besides that,
I think the book "Understanding Attachment Disorder Through Manga: Lessons for Knowing Yourself and Becoming Happy" is easy to read as an introductory guide.
If you want to know the basis of your attachment style,
gain a deep understanding of the process,
and learn immediate countermeasures for each type,
I want you to read the book
"How to Skillfully See Through the Hearts of the Opposite Sex."
When I remember the past when I was depressed,
thinking I had no charm,
my heart still tightens even now.
It was truly painful,
and I didn't even know who to ask for help.
Not being able to believe in yourself,
not being able to acknowledge yourself,
not being able to think of yourself as attractive,
this is truly painful, isn't it?
I would be happy if this could be a trigger
for those in the midst of such pain
to have their eyes opened
and realize their own inherent charm!
Please remember that you are already
overflowing with charm.
Do please remember that.
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