I Tried Taking an Introspection Session

I signed up for and attended the first of six introspection sessions
offered by the fortune teller Estrea
at a monitor price.

I've recently started to realize
that I want to release the things I've been suppressing inside myself.
That was my motivation.

I have always disliked my parents.
My father passed away over ten years ago,
so I don't really think about him much anymore.

Even so, the educational organization I used to belong to
often told us to visit our ancestors' graves,
so I used to go back then.

The problem is my mother.
After I got married and left home,
I got divorced and lived separately,
but I fell into a depressive state and returned to my parents' house.

Because my child was in elementary school,
I had no choice but to return,
but being with my parents
was a huge source of stress.

Whether my depressive state was part of bipolar disorder,
due to stress,
or caused by psychotropic medication,
I ended up acting out at home and was forcibly hospitalized.

Even after being discharged, I didn't want to return to my parents' house,
but I had already given up the apartment where I lived with my son,
so I continued to live at my parents' house,
and feeling guilty about having acted out,
I was especially careful around my mother.

In the midst of that,
I was told by many people to "cherish your parents" and "be grateful to your parents,"
and I ended up internalizing those words.

While harboring a major contradiction within myself,
I acted as if I cherished them.

Recently, I've finally
been able to think about acknowledging my feelings of "dislike,"
but even so, I still fall back into old habits.

Even though I know it's painful
to harbor contradictions within myself,
I end up bringing myself into a state of contradiction.

Through the introspection session,
I realized that this "dislike" is actually anger,
and that this anger is deep and immense.

I have lived my life suppressing this much anger
and pretending not to see it.

I still live with her now,
but the anger is so deep and immense
that it is painful even to be in the same space.

I had wanted to leave home for a long time,
but I thought it was wrong
to leave my mother alone as she got older.
Thinking about it now, I must have been worried about
the social appearances I hate so much.

Recently, I finally thought about letting go of those ideas
that it's wrong or worrying about social appearances,
and decided to leave,
but I don't have the money to make it happen.

The common saying
that you shouldn't say you don't have money
is also a form of self-suppression.
If you don't have it, you don't have it!

Regarding money as well,
there must be something
that I am suppressing within myself.

Because I have always
repeated the state of "not having money."
Not only do I spend whatever I have,
I even spend money I don't have.

I think the reason I got my FP and bookkeeping certifications
might be because
there was 'something' deep in my heart
regarding money.

During the session,
they took a lot of notes,
and at the end, they wrote a summary and a message
in my notebook.
There is also homework for next time.

As I reread the notebook
and wrote down what I thought of as homework,
I gradually began to understand
just how strongly
I had been suppressing my feelings.

I wonder if it will really end in six sessions,
but I am looking forward to the second one.

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