How journaling helped me realize my 'final boss' of misanthropy.

I can't trust 'likes' on social media.
You're just being polite, you don't actually 'like' it, right?


Even when my boss praises my work, I shouldn't take it at face value.
They're just being kind by not saying anything, but they must see all my flaws.

I absolutely have to be wary of any behavior from the opposite sex that looks like an approach.
They don't actually like me; they just want a partner.

I have lived a life of such 'misanthropy' for a long time.

I look for hidden motives in others' words and actions, unable to accept kindness at face value.
That feeling of suspicion must definitely be getting across to the other person, right?
The people who praised me or were kind to me eventually drifted away.

See, I knew it.
They never liked me.
I'm glad I didn't trust them.
That's what I thought, piling disappointment upon disappointment.

Looking back now, I can see that I had a very sad way of perceiving things.
But for the me back then, what I believed was the truth.
I was always in pain because I couldn't trust others.

The reason I, such a person, was able to realize that my painful feelings were just 'assumptions' was because I started journaling.
I don't even remember why I started journaling, though.

I used a leftover small notebook and a leftover pen to write down my feelings at the time.
At first, my writing was stiff and pretentious, but as I moved on to the second and third notebook, I gradually became able to express my honest feelings.
Before long, it became a habit to write in my notebook immediately whenever something painful or happy happened.

Then, one day.
I let my guard down during a company meeting that I was supposed to lead, and I failed miserably.
The person who was in the meeting with me, whom I thought was an ally, didn't throw me a lifeline.

Looking back later, it wasn't an important meeting or anything.
But for me at that time, it was a failure sufficient to cause despair.

I was so embarrassed, sad, and frustrated that I didn't know what to do.
I immediately booked a soundproof private room at the office.
And I shut myself in with my notebook and pen.

I just scribbled my emotions at that time into the notebook.
Tears wouldn't stop, and I kept moving my pen while sobbing.
The private room had frosted glass, so you couldn't see inside from the outside.
Even though my colleagues were working normally just one wall away.
I was sobbing in the middle of the office floor.

No one will help me.
I can't do anything.
I'm embarrassed.
I want to disappear.
I can't do anything right.
I shouldn't trust anyone.
I have no value.

Words like that just kept overflowing and wouldn't stop.

After writing and writing, when my arm got tired and I was tired of crying.
Suddenly, I felt like it didn't really matter anymore.

I exhaled, put down my pen, and looked back at the notebook I had just written in.

Wow... an incredible amount of abuse is written here.
If this were an internet bulletin board, I might be able to win if I filed a disclosure request and a claim for damages.
Such cursed words were lined up.

All of this, I am saying to myself.
I am cursing myself.
When I thought about that, I became terrified.

While looking at the notebook, I thought again.
I thought of myself as having 'misanthropy'.
But in reality, isn't the person I trust the least, myself?

Isn't it me who wants to be helped, and me who won't let myself be helped?
And isn't it me who wants to believe, and me who won't let myself believe?

Oh, so that was it.
The 'final boss' of my 'distrust in people' was right here.

Realizing that 'my greatest enemy was myself' is a conclusion that wouldn't even be popular in a shonen manga.
But I feel like I have a better chance of defeating myself than defeating some unknown Satan out there.

After all, I know myself well.
That's why I've been journaling all this time.

Having realized who the real final boss is, I pick up my pen and open my notebook again today to figure out a strategy.
This battle doesn't seem like it's going to end just yet.
Because a 30-year-old 'habit of self-distrust' isn't something that can be fixed so easily.

But I feel like the current final boss's attack power has dropped just a little bit.
Maybe the day I can defeat it isn't so far off after all.

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