How I Realized a Medical Checkup is Like a Theme Park and Started Having a Blast

Do you like medical checkups?

Perhaps most people would say they've never thought about it, or that they don't particularly like or dislike them.
Some might even say they aren't at the age where they need to get medical checkups yet.

Well, I actually like medical checkups.
I've found a way to enjoy them.

Medical checkups, and health screenings too, involve going around to many different rooms in order to have various tests done, right?
When you do that, don't you start to feel like you're in an interactive theme park?
Like an amusement park for adults that you can only visit once a year.

***

The mission in this theme park is to record the best possible numbers on your chart-style scorecard.
Don't compare yourself to others; just aim for a better score than you had last year. At the very least, don't let it get worse.
Every adult comes here once a year to measure their current capabilities.

In this theme park, preparation is key.
There are several fields available, known as hospitals, so you choose a good one and make a reservation online or by phone.
Popular fields fill up their servers quickly, so you have to apply three months in advance.

On the day of, make sure you don't forget the essential items to pass through the reception gate (medical questionnaire, two days' worth of stool samples, and your first urine of the morning).
You are greeted by a beautiful receptionist with great character design, and once you hand over your items, you are granted entry and receive your scorecard for the day.
You change into the battle gear of this world (the examination gown) in the locker room, and then head out into the field.

First, you start with the tutorial: measuring your height and weight.
This attraction has a low difficulty level, but because the score is of high interest, it's one that requires strategy.

After waiting a bit in front of the first room, my number was called: "Number 33, please."
I entered the room, took off my slippers, and stepped onto the attraction that measures height and weight simultaneously.
Regretting a year of unhealthy living, I did my best to "stand with good posture" and "exhale to reduce the weight of the air in my body" as a desperate struggle.
As if to see through my intentions, the bar that came down from above tapped me on the head.

The medical technicians, who are the cast members of this world, wear scrubs that fit the theme park's aesthetic.
Their beauty level is boosted by 30%. Nice.
The cast member kindly wrote on my chart while being considerate of my disappointment over my weight score, which had worsened since last year.
She guided me with a beautiful voice, saying, "Thank you for your hard work. Next is the hearing test, so please wait in front of room number 8."

I cleared the hearing, vision, and X-ray tests smoothly, and next was the blood draw.
The downside of the blood draw is that the satisfaction level depends on the skill of the cast member.
I wish everyone met a certain standard of entertainment, like the skippers on the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland.

The cast member for this blood draw was a "winner."
She was good at inserting the needle, thank goodness.
"Are you not good with blood draws? It makes you nervous, doesn't it?"
She spoke to me gently even while she was drawing my blood.

"We'll be done after two more vials. Blood draws are important for properly understanding your health status. Oh, and for a limited time, you can also get a gut flora test at a discount, so please let me know if you're interested."
From gentle words to a smooth sales pitch. Wonderful.
In a past life, she must have been a life insurance sales lady.

After clearing the blood draw, all that remained was the barium test.
I actually wanted to choose a field where I could get a gastric endoscopy with sedation and have it done while I was asleep.
I was slow to act, so I could only book the barium field. A lesson learned.

But actually, the barium test is the most active attraction and is the main event.
Whether or not you can enjoy the barium test determines if you can get hooked on the theme park that is the medical checkup.
It's okay, I can do this. I skipped breakfast for this.

I entered room 14 and stepped onto the machine that spins the human body around.
"Please drink this foaming agent powder with this water. Once you drink it, try not to burp even if it's uncomfortable."
I replied "Yes" to the barium cast member's instructions.
As soon as I gulped down the foaming agent, a "burp" of air escaped.
It would be bad if they found out, so I kept a face that said, "It's fine, I didn't burp at all."
This attraction also awards points for acting ability.

"Now, let's drink the barium."
I was handed a pure white, thick, tasteless liquid.
I drank it all down as told.
I kept holding back my burps during this time too.
"OK! I'm going to tilt the machine now."
"Now, while lying down, please roll around to the right three times."
I rolled over and over, wondering which way was to the right.
Rolling over actually takes quite a bit of physical strength.

"Now, let's tilt your body 45 degrees to the right. I'm going to take the picture now."
I kept riding the machine, striking poses so my stomach would show from various angles, and enduring the machine tilting, rising, and turning upside down.

Being forced to hold back burps, being made to drink mysterious liquid, and being spun around on a machine.
I started to feel like I was riding an attraction called "Becoming a Mad Scientist's Test Subject."

"That's great! You're doing well! You're moving really fast!"
The cast member, who was a kind person rather than a mad scientist, gave me words of encouragement to boost my mood. I felt pretty good.

"Yes, thank you for your hard work! It's okay to burp now."
I finally got permission. The air that had been building up escaped with a "burp."
As the cast member handed me the laxative and water, which are the rewards for clearing the barium test, she said,
"Wow, you moved through that so smoothly, it really helped! That might have been the fastest time today!!"
She revealed that it was the high score for the day.
I didn't expect to be praised for something like this.
Maybe I'll write "Special Skill: Finishing barium tests quickly" from now on.

After finishing all the tests, I handed the scorecard with all the items filled in to the beautiful receptionist.
As a reward for clearing the entire field, I received a lunch discount coupon for a nearby restaurant.
The official results would arrive in three weeks.
I took off my battle gear in the locker room and returned to my daily life outside the theme park.

Sigh, I have to live a healthy life so I can get an even better score on next year's medical checkup.
Well, the next one is a year away, so I can just start trying tomorrow.

While having a vague premonition that this "trying tomorrow" wouldn't be fulfilled for a whole year, I headed toward a slightly fancy Chinese restaurant to use my lunch coupon.