The emotions that emerged after my rebellious phase ended.

Last time, I wrote an article about how my long rebellious phase had ended.
This time, I will write about the emotions that welled up after that.

Conclusion

It was 'gratitude toward my parents'.

After I spoke ill of my father, what I remembered were good memories.
Things like:

・Coming to cheer me on at club activities
・Cherishing me in various ways
・Making delicious meals for me
・Taking me to many different places

Although I felt that I had caused my parents trouble,
I felt that I was lacking in gratitude.

That part felt like a puzzle piece finally clicking into place.

This summer, I scribbled my feelings into a notebook because I wanted to overcome this.
This was truly meaningful.

I remember when I was in college, my father had a bad drinking habit.
I once sent him an email while on the bus to school asking him to stop drinking. Looking back now, it might have been my final SOS.

His reply was,
“I won’t stoooop,” which was a playful response lol.

If he had faced me properly back then, I think my life would have been a little different.
Even so, things like getting pregnant while a student, getting married, my father passing away, and getting divorced...
I believe these were all challenges assigned to my life.

I used to blame myself for having stopped talking to my father. Even though I had already moved out, I wondered if that was one of the reasons he passed away, and I blamed my own personality for not being able to be kind to my parents.
That is how I blamed myself.

But as I wrote in my notebook, I was able to feel that I wasn't at fault.
I was able to make myself aware of the conflicts I held as a child and forgive myself.

After that, remembering my father's bad drinking habits and the things I hated
felt like being stabbed in the chest, and it was painful.

Also, because he was a very good person to those outside the family, no one knew what he was like at home, and since my mother isn't the type to complain to anyone, I felt real anger at the words and actions of the people from his company during the funeral.

Looking back now, I truly respect that he only had a junior high school education yet built his own company and got it on track, and if he were alive, I would want him to teach me many things.

Including his good reputation outside the family, there are parts that only my mother and I understand, so I returned home wanting to talk to my mother about those things as well.

And when I complained in front of the Buddhist altar, I felt refreshed, and now I have come to feel grateful for how he cherished me and for raising me.

It was a truly long, long rebellious phase lol.
I think it's partly because I've mellowed with age, but I felt like I had finished one major project.

I hope this article serves as a first step for those who are struggling in the same way.