🌈Reflecting on how my older sister's presence in childhood was the source of my jealousy and what I think now🍀

Introduction

I will write about the emotion of "jealousy" that had been sleeping deep in my heart since I started taking flower essences to improve the condescension toward my father and distrust of men that I mentioned in a previous article.

When I was jealous

I have felt jealousy many times in my life.
For example, when a colleague at work was promoted to chief. On the surface, I said "congratulations," but in my heart, I couldn't be genuinely happy and felt depressed, thinking, "Compared to them, I am..."

It was the same in my student days. When a friend who had similar grades to mine got a good grade, I would say in my heart, "It was just luck!" and felt jealous, thinking, "Why did I lose to her?"

I had always treated jealousy as something unpleasant and turned a blind eye to it.
And, the flower essence made me realize it.

The root of jealousy

I learned that the root of jealousy is the emotions born between father, mother, and siblings in childhood. In childhood, siblings compete for parental love and attention. The experience of feeling "I took it," "It was taken from me," "That's unfair," "Why only them?" and "Why am I the only one being made to endure?" and feeling that the sibling received more is repeated in human relationships even after becoming an adult.

I had an older sister two years my senior.
She was always given new things, while I only got hand-me-downs. "It's unfair, it's always my sister," I thought, viewing her as a rival and feeling as if we were competing for the number one spot in our mother's heart. I felt her presence was a nuisance and was always rebelling against her.

My sister was kind, modest, gentle, and loved by everyone. While I actually envied her and admired her in that way, I also held feelings of jealousy toward her.

At that time, I
I won't forgive anyone unless I am number one

I won't forgive anyone unless Mother is mine

I won't forgive anyone unless they prioritize me above all else

I think I was wearing a mask like a jealous demon 👹.
I would dump everything I was supposed to do myself onto my sister, saying "Please do this for me!" and she would accept it without a sour face. I was dependent on such a sister.

Until now, I hadn't realized that my sister always prioritized me and watched over me from a step behind.

Arrogantly assuming that "it's natural for a sister to yield to her younger sister," I repeated self-centered behavior, looked down on my sister, and even did things to make a fool of her. Now, I realize my sister's kindness and am keenly aware of my own foolishness.

Apologizing to my sister

I can finally understand now just how much my sister cherished me. I want to apologize to her from the bottom of my heart. However, my sister passed away last year, and that opportunity has been lost forever.

I wanted to apologize to my sister from my heart no matter what, so I went to visit her grave. In front of the grave, I apologized for my arrogant attitude until now.

"Sister, I am truly sorry for always being spoiled and making a fool of you. I am sorry I could never apologize. I lost you and realized that you were always smiling, prioritizing me, and thinking of me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

I couldn't stop my tears.

The belief that I must view my sister as a rival and that "I must not lose" and "I must be number one" tormented me even after I became an adult and affected my relationship with my husband. My relationship with my sister in childhood was deeply rooted in the foundation of my human relationships.

Converting jealousy into energy for self-growth

Being jealous of others is said to be caused by:
Fear of being left behind = fear of abandonment
Fear of losing one's own value = fear of not being loved.

When you feel jealousy, it is a sign that you are wishing, "I want to be like that too" or "I want that too."
Thinking about how to move forward to make that wish come true and taking action becomes energy for self-growth.

What I felt strongly through this experience

Don't you also have things you want to apologize for to someone dear to you?

It takes a lot of courage to express your feelings while you are still alive. However, if you can apologize to someone dear to you while they are still alive, you might be able to understand their feelings and lead to a reconciliation.

Once they have passed away, you can no longer convey those feelings. You will surely regret it. I regret it too. That is exactly why I want to convey them.

I recommend apologizing to your loved ones while they are still alive. So that you do not have any regrets.

In conclusion

Jealousy is by no means a negative emotion.
If you change your perspective, I believe it can become a catalyst for polishing yourself, growing, and becoming a strength to live your future life with ease.

This is a song my sister loved.
It is 'Fukuwarai' by Yu Takahashi.