Was I not finding self-reflection painful because I hadn't been doing it?

I enjoy "self-reflection."
It's like listening to my own voice, or what you might call introspection.
Digging deep is part of that, too.
It's almost like a hobby for me.

A while ago,
I heard someone say,
"Self-reflection is painful and difficult."

I thought, that's certainly a common sentiment,
and that's when I realized something.

Maybe I've never actually felt that pain when reflecting on myself.

I think I've always found it enjoyable.
I've always wanted to do more of it.
That hasn't changed even now.

When I think about that,
the question arises,
"Could it be that I haven't been properly reflecting on myself?"

But I still believe I have been reflecting in my own way.
It wasn't just through my own strength,
but because I had the support of many people,
but I have been doing it.
I can say that clearly!

So why wasn't it painful for me?

The reason, I thought, wasbecause my starting point was so low.

Looking back at that feeling of "it wasn't painful" again,
to be precise,
rather than it not being painful,
I think it's that the enjoyment outweighed the pain.
It's still incredibly fun even now.

The reason I was able to focus so much on the "fun" part is
because I knew so little about myself.

For a long time, my life
revolved around the standard of "not making my mother angry."

Rather than what I thought,
it was about how to avoid making her angry.
How to keep the peace.

That was the most important thing.

So, what I liked or what I wanted to do
was always put on the back burner.

That was my "normal."

Of course, since I've lived a life walking alongside my favorite idols,
I did have celebrities I liked,
but even then, if my mother said, "I don't really like that person,"
I would feel myself shrivel up inside.

Since this is something ChatGPT said,
it's just one perspective, but
when self-reflection is painful, it starts from the premise that a "self" already exists, and that self is about to be denied or its value is about to be shaken.

it said.

I think this "premise of a self" itself
was, in a sense, undefined for me.

Wow, it really goes to show just how much I was living for others (laughs).

That is precisely why, for me, facing myself
looking back at a painful past or re-examining my own assumptions
was perhaps less about those aspects and
simply justexploration.

It feels like every version of myself I find is a new discovery.
Naturally, that's fun, isn't it?

This isn't about superiority or inferiority, nor is it about what's right or wrong;
it's just the story of the path I happened to take.

It's also possible that I've simply forgotten that I faced things while feeling quite pained (sweat).
In fact, I do remember crying in the middle of facing things!

Besides, the sense of what is "painful" or "difficult"
is different for everyone, after all.
Whether someone feels pain at a level of 1,
or someone only feels pain at a level of 10,
both are correct for that person.

However, one thing I can say is that
the time you feel you have spent facing yourself is not wasted,
that is.

Whether that process was painful or not,
whether it was fun or not.

By continuing to face myself, I have
gradually come to grasp the feeling of cherishing myself.

And from here on, I want to know myself even more, and
I want to cherish myself.
Enough to make up for the time in the past when I treated myself poorly.

The way we face ourselves, and the timing, is different for everyone.
This was just a story about how
there are people who face themselves with a different feeling than the one often talked about.

[Excitement Day 76]

• Move the pen stand to a different location