The 3 Habits That Changed Me, the Person I Trusted the Least.

"I am the person I trust the least."
Not so long ago, I truly believed that.

How did I go from that to trusting myself?

While spending Golden Week in a relaxed way,
I felt like looking back on the past a little.

This year's Golden Week,
I am spending it quite leisurely.

Usually, I would go on trips or
go out to nearby places,
and I was quite busy moving around.

This year, my whole family
"It's nice to just relax at home, isn't it?"
seems to feel that way.

Until last year, I feel like
whenever a long weekend came, I was struck by a kind of
compulsion, like "I have to do something!"

Because I was always exhausted from work,
long weekend = mental recovery = go out even if I have to force it!
That kind of mysterious equation.

Well, it's a kind of stress relief.
It's the same as spending money to distract yourself from stress.

When work was truly grueling (mentally),
my waste of money was incredible...
I'm sorry, money, for using you like that.

That's the kind of thing I'm thinking about while looking back on the past.

I remembered something because of that, so
I've decided to write about it today.

The introduction has become a bit long, but
here is the main topic!

"I am the person I trust the least."

What was I thinking that about, exactly?

Now, I don't really remember clearly
what it was about myself that I couldn't trust.

I just vaguely didn't trust myself.

Perhaps it was that
I couldn't believe in a version of myself living a happy future,
or that my words lacked credibility,
or that I couldn't trust my own worth,
I think it might have been things like that.

That feeling of not being able to trust myself
also led to self-denial,
thinking "I'm no good because I can't do things."

I'm no good if I make a mistake.
I'm no good if I'm inferior to that person.
I'm no good if I'm not perfect.
Like that.

But I guess I only understand that now,
back then I was just blaming myself
and wasn't aware of my own emotions or what was going on inside.

So, how did I get to where I am now?
I looked back through my diary-like entries from my relaxed time.

Since I'm at it,
I'll introduce what I was doing back then.

I think what works for one person might not work for another, but
if you're interested, please give it a try.

1. Observe your body's reactions

If your shoulders are tense, maybe you're angry.
If your face is tilted downward, maybe you're feeling down.
In that way, I started predicting my emotions from my body's reactions.

The me back then
was so indifferent to my own emotions that I couldn't notice them unless I did that.

I realized something by doing that.
I was unconsciously tensing my whole body.
I think even now, I spend more time with my body tense.

Even when I was told to "relax" at places like chiropractic clinics,
I didn't really understand how to do it.

Recently, I've finally been able to
become conscious of "relaxing" little by little.

This is probably because I was so tense, thinking,
"Everyone around me is an enemy!"

Oh, I think the world is kind now, by the way.

2. Give your incapable self permission

Accept the version of yourself that fails and feels down by saying, "It's okay to feel down."

If you're going to blame yourself for not being able to do something,
tell yourself, "It's okay even if you can't do it."

If you think you're a burden because you can't be useful,
accept it by saying,
"It's okay to be someone who isn't useful,"
"It's okay to be a burden."

This is a bit different from just giving up.
It's not about saying it's fine to fail, but
it's about the mindset of not blaming yourself excessively.

Be your own best ally.
Be the only one who accepts every version of yourself.

By repeating that,
I built up trust in myself.

3. Take off your emotional armor with gratitude

However, that kind of self-blame
is an important part of yourself
that has protected you until now.

By basing your worth on the evaluations of others,
blaming yourself, and engaging in self-denial,
you have worked hard.
You have survived.

Therefore,
accept that armor of the heart with a 'thank you'.

On top of that,
imagine yourself saying, 'I'm going to take off my armor for a bit,'
and showing your true self.

Rather than actually changing your words and actions,
it is a feeling of letting go within yourself along with gratitude.

Even just doing that,
I feel like I have changed quite a bit.

Turn your eyes toward yourself,
cherish yourself,
and accept yourself.

By doing that,
I was able to gradually start trusting myself,
I thought back during Golden Week.

The future will surely be wonderful,
and I will continue to be smiling from here on out.

I am able to think that way now.