Is That Really What You Want? — To Us, Who Are Filling Our Lives with Other People's Correct Answers #CreativeAward2025
Back in high school, before our school trip.
There was a red plaid shirt
I begged my mom to buy for me.
I saw it at a local station building,
a brand that felt a little bit more mature.
Because the girl who was always
“cute” by default wore it,
I wanted it no matter what.
“If I wear this, I don't think I'll stand out,” I thought.
And yet, in the end, I never wore it once.
Even though I let it go
during some move a long time ago,
for some reason, even now,
I feel like that piece of clothing is still in the back of my closet.
──That a piece of clothing I chose just so I wouldn't stand out
has remained in my heart“without ever being worn.”Every time I remember it, I can laugh a little, but
it also makes my chest ache.
I'm still repeating that same feeling
now that I'm an adult.
The “Bone Structure Straight Type Grand Prize” and “Must-Buy for Autumn Warm Tone”
that pop up on Instagram,
the “divine item with 4.8 stars on reviews”
I clicked on Amazon.
Everyone is praising it. Everyone has it. Everyone feels safe with it.
That's why I want it too.
But──
Is that really what “I” wanted?
No.
“I didn't want to stand out.”
That's all it was.
My clothes, my bags, my follow list, the atmosphere at work.
I thought I was choosing them.
But before I knew it,“I was being made to choose.”.
I had been pretending not to notice that.
One night, at 2:00 AM.
I couldn't sleep.
The moment I opened my closet, I felt suffocated.
Even though it was packed with clothes, there wasn't a single thing I wanted to wear.
Impulsively, I dragged everything out.
Fabric piled up until I couldn't see the floor.
I picked them up one by one and asked myself,
“Why did I think I wanted this again?”
The hardest one was
the beige dress I bought
with my bonus when I was 30.
A precious piece I even wore on my first date.
It doesn't suit me anymore.
I knew it the moment I saw it.
But I hesitated to put it in the trash bag.
“It was expensive.”
“I was complimented on it.”
“If I lose weight, I can wear it again.”
……None of those were true.
In that dress, there was a version of me that I was a little proud of.
I felt like if I threw it away, I would be erasing
one of the few moments I was able to accept myself.
What I was afraid of wasn't throwing away things.
It was that I might lose the confidence I had back then
along with it.
But that night, I properly chose again.
I unfollowed accounts.
I put the clothes in the trash bag.
I also quietly let go of the memory
of that red plaid shirt.
The next morning.
Only a few items remained in my closet.
I felt anxious, just a little.
But more than that, there was a sense of calm.
My back felt lighter.
I felt like I could finally choose based on my own senses.
……Well, the following week I was
clicking on new clothes online again.
But the re-choosing I did that night
still remains somewhere inside me.
So, I think that's okay.
I was using things to cover up the fact that I felt inadequate.
I was just filling the void with possessions
because I was afraid to admit that I was lacking.
“Lacking”—the reason I felt that way
wasn't the amount of my possessions.
I hadn't been properly facing and choosingwhat I “like”orwhat I “don't need.”
Lastly, just one thing.
That item you want right now.
Is that really something you chose yourself?
Or are you just filling in the blanksto match someone else's "correct answer"?Are you just filling it in?
Let's let go of one thing today.
If you're hesitant, that might be the sign.
If you'd like, please let me know in the comments.
