I was angry. But I couldn't admit that anger — The wish to be protected that lay beneath the anger —

🌙 For a long time,
I thought I was a person who didn't get angry very often.
In fact, I thought I was quite patient.

I would endure even when something unpleasant happened.
I would swallow my feelings even if I couldn't accept it.
I thought it was fine as long as I was the one enduring.

That is how I used to think.

There were times when I would get angry and go silent.

But I called that

Enduring is only natural.
I am admirable for being able to endure.

That is what I thought.

So, it is relatively recently that I realized
there was a corresponding anger within me.

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🌙 At first, I couldn't easily accept it.

I was angry.
I was hurt.
I wasn't actually accepting it.

At the same time I realized those feelings,
I also felt confused.

I didn't want to admit,
in some way, that I was angry.

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🌙 The emotion of anger,
to be honest, was a villain to me.

People who get angry are scary.
I don't like people who yell.
I also hated having anger directed at me.

That is why I resisted being angry myself.

I must not get angry.
I must understand more.
I must forgive.

Such thoughts came up again and again.

Even long after I realized I was angry,
“It’s narrow-minded to get angry over something like that”
“The other person must have had their reasons”
“Maybe it’s just how I’m perceiving it”

Such thoughts came to mind repeatedly.
That is why I
could not admit
that I was feeling anger.

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🌙 Looking back now,
I think I have been afraid of anger since I was a child.
I was yelled at by my grandfather.

I couldn't argue back against an adult who was ranting.
I just waited for it to end.
But looking back again,

what was truly painful
was not just being yelled at.
Somewhere in my heart,

I wanted my mother to protect me.
I wanted my grandmother to protect me.
That is what I thought.

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🌙 “You don’t have to say it like that”
“This child hasn't done anything wrong”
I wanted them to say that and take my side.

I wanted them to see me being scared,
step in, and protect me.

But that wish did not come true.
Of course, I think the adults had their own circumstances too.

But as a child,

I wasn't protected.

That is how I felt.

So, before getting angry,
I think I chose to endure,
and to blame myself.

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🌙 If back then,
I had just accepted the feeling that
“this is wrong”
I surely would have felt anger too.

But I couldn't do that.
Because getting angry was scary.
It was also scary to blame
the people I loved.

So the anger didn't turn outward,
it made a U-turn inside me.

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🌙 The anger hadn't disappeared.
It had just changed direction.

In truth,
I was hurt.
I was sad.
I was scared.

Even though I should have felt that way,
those emotions gradually
turned into “I am the one at fault.”
And before I knew it,

the anger had become words that blamed myself.

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🌙 But recently, I think.
The anger I was feeling
was not a desire to hurt anyone.

I was hurt.
I was sad.
I was scared.

Those feelings,
no one understood them.

Perhaps that was all it was.

And deep down,
I wanted to be protected.
I wanted someone to be on my side.
I think that was the wish I had.

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🌙 If you,
for some reason, always blame yourself,
there might be anger deep down
that you haven't noticed yet.

And deep beneath that anger,
I wanted to be protected.
I wanted to be understood.
I wanted someone to be on my side.
Such sad feelings or earnest wishes
might be hidden there.

Anger is not a bad thing,
it is also a sign that tells you
about your own important feelings.

I, too, will gradually
try to listen to that voice 😌