It wasn't the evaluation I feared, but being controlled

There is something I have wondered about at work.
Even though I get nervous when my boss or a senior colleague points something out to me,
I can interact normally with
people who joined after me.

I can answer if they ask questions,
and I can teach them the work.
But the moment I am the one being evaluated,
I immediately put my guard up.
I used to simply think,
“It’s because I lack confidence.”

But recently, I realized that
this alone doesn't explain it.
Because I am not
afraid of everyone.

🌗 I can talk to juniors normally

One day, a new person asked me a question.
It seemed they didn't understand something about the work,
so they reached out to me.

At that moment, I wasn't particularly nervous.
“It’s normal not to know at first,”
I thought while explaining it to them.
I am not afraid when asked questions.
If anything, I just wanted
that person to feel comfortable doing their work.

However, a few hours later,
a senior colleague checked in with me about work.
It wasn't a big deal in terms of content.
It was just a check.
Yet, my body tensed up.

My shoulders tightened,
I unconsciously clenched my teeth,
and the thought
“Did I mess something up?”
popped into my head.

Same workplace.
Same me.
Even though only a few hours had passed,
just because the person changed,
my reaction was completely different.

That was when I first thought,
maybe I am not afraid of people themselves.

🌗 It wasn't the criticism itself that was scary

I realized something else.
I had always thought,
“I am afraid of being evaluated.”
But that wasn't quite accurate.
For example, when I make a mistake at work,
some people calmly say,
“Please correct just this part.”
At those times, I am fine.
I can say, “Oh, I understand,”

and make the correction.
I don't get more depressed than necessary.
However, it is different with other people.
When they speak in a harsh tone

or talk in a way that corners me,
my mind goes blank.
Even if I get through that moment,
I keep remembering it after I get home.

“Was that response okay?”
“Did they think I was weird?”
Even though the other person might have already forgotten,
I keep dwelling on it.
That’s when I realized.
I wasn't afraid of the mistake.

I was afraid of not being safe
after making a mistake.

🌗 The real reason I freeze when criticized

I recently realized one more thing.
I had always thought
that I was afraid of being evaluated.
But when I observed my own reactions closely,
it was a little different.
The moment I am criticized,

my body freezes.
My shoulders tense up,

I unconsciously clench my teeth,
my mind goes blank,
and I unconsciously gauge the other person's mood.
Why do I react like this?

Thinking about it, I realized something.
It’s not that I feel “my mistake was pointed out,”


but rather that I feel “I might be controlled,”

is that it?Of course, it doesn't mean the other person is actually trying to control me.But my body perceives it that way.
I must obey what the other person says.
The other person's thoughts take priority over my own.

It might be dangerous to argue
or express my own opinion.
That feeling rises up in an instant.

That is why my body freezes.
It wasn't because I am mentally weak
or fragile.
My body was simply entering defense mode.

🌗 Why this doesn't happen when talking to juniors

Conversely, when I talk to juniors or new people,
this reaction almost never happens.
Because
there is no fear of being controlled.

It’s okay to express my own opinion.
That’s why I can talk naturally.
I wasn't afraid of people.
I wasn't afraid of evaluation itself.

What I was truly afraid of
was the situation where I would have to suppress my own feelings and thoughts.

🌗 What happens when I am criticized

Looking back,
this kind of transformation was happening inside me.

I made a mistake.
↓
My evaluation went down.
↓
I might not be trusted anymore.
↓
I might be disliked.
↓
I might lose my place.

Normally,
it would end with “Please correct this.”
But inside me,

the work correction
had somehow been replaced by a discussion about my own value.

In addition to that,
I also felt a strong anxiety that
I might be controlled by someone again
like in the past.

That is why it was painful.

🌗 I didn't know that “it’s okay to make mistakes”

I realized something recently.
I wasn't afraid of making mistakes.

What I was truly afraid of
was not knowing what would happen after I made a mistake.
If I make a mistake, I might be blamed.

My evaluation might go down.
The relationship might worsen.
I think that anxiety was always there.
That’s why every time I received criticism,

it felt like my value was being judged,
rather than just a simple correction.

🌗 Overwriting it little by little

I have been practicing small things lately.
When I am criticized,
I try to think,
“This isn't about my personality.”
“This is a work correction.”
And not to explain more than necessary.

For a while, especially with people who spoke harshly,
I would try to protect myself by saying,
“No, regarding that...”
“Actually, it was like this...”

But now,
I am practicing ending it with just,
“I have confirmed it.”
“I will correct it.”

Then, something strange happened.
Even when I am criticized,
nothing breaks.
The relationship doesn't end.
The work continues.

It’s an obvious thing, but
it was a new discovery for me.

🌗 Conclusion

I had always thought
that I was afraid because I lacked confidence.

But now I see it a little differently.
What I needed wasn't confidence,
but perhaps the experience that “it was safe even if I made a mistake.”
I am afraid of being evaluated.

I get more depressed than necessary when criticized.
I kept blaming myself for that.
But that wasn't a weakness,

I think it was a defense mechanism I acquired through my past experiences.
And that reaction
can be overwritten little by little✒️

That is how I think about it lately.