💁📚45 People who use 'sneaky attacks' are scary... 930

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People who use 'sneaky attacks'
Are you being tormented in ways that those around you don't notice?
An experienced psychological therapist teaches the psychology of people who use 'passive aggression' and how to deal with them.

Kazue Otsuru (Psychological Therapist, Psychology Analysis & Therapy Instructor, Representative Director of the Retrieve Psychotherapy Association)

Seishun Publishing, 202 pages
2024/4/25

Asahi Shimbun advertisement

Just by glancing at the ad and the cover, it is packed with eye-catching words like'ignoring messages,' 'victim position,' and 'control through guilt'. Even just from the title, I think of my mother, my ex-husband H, and a subordinate (who might be a psychopath).

It's not that I think 'only the other person is bad' or 'I'm not the one at fault.'
But still, why am I always the target?
Why do they keep changing their story?
Why don't they tell me directly?
Why do they make assumptions about me?
Why won't they listen to my side of the story?
Is it fun to watch me get depressed?


First read in July.
Dr. Hiroko Mizushimaadvocates'Interpersonal Therapy'which has many similarities.
Finished reading it for the second time now.
I decided to leave some notes for myself.

Sneaky attacks = Passive aggression

Not expressing feelings like dissatisfaction, anger, or denial directly to the other person, but instead showingindirect, passive, avoidant, or negative attitudes and behaviors(such as sarcastic attitudes or talking behind the person's back). Moral harassment, power harassment, 'mounting' (asserting dominance), and skillful control of children by parents, etc.

How to deal with people who use passive aggression

Do not accept the other person's malice (responding with a silly attitude or a smile is a no-go).
Interact calmly and matter-of-factly.
Say no.
Borrow the power of someone in a stronger position.
Report it publicly.

The psychology of people who use passive aggression

They have a latent sense of self-denial.
They have strong self-esteem.
They have a strong need for approval.
They are obsessed with winning.
They cannot apologize.
They have a strong victim mentality.
They have strong narcissism.
They are attention seekers.
They have a strong desire for control.
They replace the fear they feel toward the other person with feelings of anger toward them.
They try to overcome their own weaknesses by finding them in others and criticizing, blaming, or denying them.

For those who are easily targeted by passive aggression

Be careful of people who try to please everyone.
Recognize that people who use their weakness as a weapon are often the most aggressive.
'High-achieving, patient children' who grew up walking on eggshells around their parents are prone to a 'lifestyle of being conveniently exploited'and should acknowledge this.
Do not put yourself in a position lower than the attacker to avoid being looked down upon or insulted.

The cycle of aggression

They attack first, but when they are counterattacked, they exaggerate their victimhood.
When they are attacked, they vent their anger on someone in a weaker position.
Such as 'customer harassment,' where hatred and anger from within are spewed onto defenseless others.
Such as 'educational abuse,' where parents try to overcome their own inferiority complexes by using their children.

Childhood of those who are easily targeted by aggression

They were taking care of someone in the family.
They had no place to belong unless they were useful to their parents (growing up being denied by parents).
They felt the fear of being abandoned or the fear of loneliness (hence why they are caretakers or meddlesome).
They were carrying the problems of someone in the family.
They were a sacrifice for someone in the family.
Parent-child codependency.

How to avoid receiving sneaky attacks

Distinguish between other people's problems and your own (do not step in even if you think it's for the best).
Focus your consciousness on your own life.
Showing fear and a weak stance will only draw out the other person's aggression.
Do not take an ambiguous attitude from the very beginning.
Do not let things slide.
'Better than being hated' means accepting the other person's control.
Do not expect the attacker to change (they will absolutely never change!!).
Put your feelings into words and realize the true nature of your unease.

As an aside……

Let me introduce an attack I recently received from Yumi (a pseudonym, my eldest daughter, who wishes to have zero contact with her mother).
Please, feel free to laugh at it.

Three brand-new bone conduction earphones and one Bluetooth headset.
They were silently dumped right in front of me.
I already own both wired and Bluetooth earphones (the latter given to me by my second son, Susumu, who lives alone).
I don't know if you are aware, but I only have two ears.

Even though they are brand new, I don't need them, and I don't want to increase my possessions.
I don't want anything other than what I actually want.
Yumi knows how much I was pushed around by H's surprise attacks.
She bought them assuming that I would dislike them but wouldn't be able to refuse.
It's frustrating, but she was right.
The harassment was a huge success.
Even though I felt terrible, I couldn't return them because I thought, "I might upset Yumi."


Apparently, she didn't like that I played a Gian medley on my speakers the day before for a change of pace.
She could have just said, "I don't want to hear that" or "Please refrain from doing that when I'm around."
By the way, she seems to be fine with live sounds and live voices.

Conclusion

My mother would lock me outside for even minor carelessness, like spilling miso soup.
She would force things on me that were neither happy nor interesting for a child, claiming it was "for my own good."
She would buy me things I didn't want (things she wanted to buy for me), but no matter how many years I begged for what I truly wanted, she never bought it for me.
She told me to my face, "My parenting was a failure" and "I want to put you back in my womb and start over" (I am a failed product).
Whether it was before an exam or during one, even if I wasn't studying, helping my mother was expected.
When I came home exhausted from working overtime, she would scold me, "What have you been doing until this hour!!"
Of course, cleaning up the kitchen was waiting for me without fail.
Naturally, I became prone to jealousy because she would always compare me to my younger brother and sister.

H would constantly say, "You make me angry."
Usually, it was because H's boiling point was too low, or it was H's own misunderstanding.
Sighing, clicking his tongue, and making sarcastic remarks disguised as talking to himself were daily occurrences, eventually transitioning to complete ignoring.
When he stopped contributing to living expenses, he would say, "It's not like I have the money!!"
He would use the children's money and say, "I didn't say I wouldn't pay it back!!"
I haven't been paid back a single yen, and he has refused all contact, so I don't even know where he is.
Not that I want to know.

I cannot write everything about my power-harassing superior or my subordinate, S-san, who might be a psychopath.
Because I don't want to fight with others, I haven't been able to say NO.
Thinking that I should just take care of things if I can cover for them is the height of arrogance.
In the end, I just continued to be a convenient target for them to attack.

I can't change my past upbringing now, and I sometimes think, "I'm at a good age, why am I still hung up on my childhood!!"
However, it is not a loss to know that "such tendencies exist."

This is truly just a simple memo for myself.
Even so, perhaps there are people who might find this relatable.
It might apply to someone close to you.
I hope this is helpful.
(10/20)

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