vol.215 Carefree Edition [The Soul of a Three-Year-Old] From Patience to Depression 1583

July 26th, Sunday, when I went to the group home to see my mother.
Wataru (a pseudonym, my younger sister) and I arrived at the meeting station at the same time.
Even when I greeted her or tried to talk to her, Wataru wouldn't even look at me, let alone reply.
Did I do something wrong?
On the train, I fanned her neck with all my might as she wiped away her sweat.

After a while, she started talking as if nothing had happened.
She said there was an incident right before she left, and she had to run to avoid being late, which made her feel terrible because of the extreme heat.
I feel sorry for her, but I wish she wouldn't think it's okay to spread her bad mood onto me.

For example, I ask Wataru, 'Please bring such-and-such next time we meet.'
When we meet and I ask, 'Did you bring it?', she says, 'What are you talking about?'
When I say, 'I sent you a LINE message, didn't I?', she replies, 'I don't know.'
When I show her the LINE message and say, 'This one,' she says, 'I thought I read it, but I didn't read the middle part.'
I stay silent because I don't want to put her in a bad mood.

For example, I try to talk about getting a rash from a cooling towel, saying, 'I was wearing a blue towel around my neck last year, right?'
Wataru cuts me off, saying, 'I don't know.'
Even though she's seen it many times?

I pull myself together and start to say, 'It was fine last year, but this year my neck swelled up and got itchy,' and she immediately starts talking about her own rash: 'I got an itchy rash too, and when I went to the dermatologist, they gave me three tubes of two different types of ointment for a week...'

For example, when I start talking about work, it gets switched to a story about how so-and-so at Wataru's workplace did this or that.
I don't even know who so-and-so is.
It's not a big deal, but I hate being constantly interrupted.

I take a short trip with Wataru two or three times a year.
Due to work, two nights is the limit.
I also have constraints on which days of the week I can go.
I select tours that match the destination, content, schedule, and cost, and propose them to Wataru.
Ever since Wataru sent me a LINE saying, 'I'll check tomorrow if I can get time off,' I've heard nothing.

I'm afraid she'll get in a bad mood if I urge her.
But if I don't book soon, it will be fully booked.
Thinking the worst case is I can just cancel, I booked it without waiting for her reply, but it was already full and I'm on the waiting list.
That's why I proposed it early.

Wataru is the youngest child, selfish, and if she threw a tantrum, her demands were met because 'she's small, so it can't be helped.'
I was raised to believe that because I'm the big sister, I should be able to do things, I should be patient, and I should be able to try harder, and if I didn't follow my mother's wishes, I was locked out of the house.
The soul of a three-year-old lasts until a hundred.
No matter how old I get, I'm always watching other people's faces.

Previously, Dr. Y, a psychiatrist, told me that it's better to spend less time with my sister, or that I shouldn't travel with her.
He said that the idea that I can avoid putting Wataru in a bad mood if I just stay silent is nothing more than self-sacrifice on my part.

Wataru is an independent adult woman.
She's good at her job and, unlike me, she has friends.
I don't think she would act like this if the other person wasn't me.
She might not even realize that I'm the one being patient.
Upbringing is truly a troublesome thing.

'Ms. Y says she's taking some time off due to heatstroke.
She said she went to the hospital, but did that look like heatstroke to you?'
Ms. Y is a cheerful woman who joined in June.
The other day, she lost consciousness for a short time while working.
A senior colleague who witnessed it with me whispered this to me.

The air conditioning was on.
She was drinking water.
She didn't seem to be feeling unwell.
Her complexion was the same as usual.
She didn't seem to have a fever.
Suddenly, like a circuit breaker tripping, she opened her eyes and froze while standing.
When she came to, she didn't remember losing consciousness.
When we suggested she go home early, she was perfectly fine, with no signs of illness or discomfort.

I understand what the senior colleague wants to say.
I didn't think it was heatstroke either.
But if she says she went to the hospital, then she must have gone.
If she was told it was heatstroke, then it must be.
There's no way to verify it, and verifying it isn't the senior colleague's or my job.

Whether Ms. Y takes time off or ends up quitting, it's not my problem.
I hope she recovers, but worrying won't change the outcome.
Let's just let it go, toss it away.

A story about another senior colleague.
Even though we're probably the same age, I'm thought of as younger.
It's easier (?) in some ways, so I play the younger character in front of the senior (who has a bossy personality).

The bossy senior had trouble at work.
Though the main cause was the customer.
The senior just didn't notice.
No one thinks the senior is at fault, and no one is blaming her.
Yet, the senior keeps explaining the situation to everyone and making excuses.

I understand.
She wants to prove her innocence.
On the other hand, because she was involved, she feels responsible.
She regrets, 'If I had done this (at that time)' or 'If I hadn't done that.'

The senior's current state is my usual self.
Even though it's someone else's business, or rather, because it's someone else's business, I think:
If thinking about it won't change the situation, it's a waste of time to think about it.
I mean, senior, please just forget it for now and focus on your work.
Let's just let it go, toss it away.

Wednesday, August 5, 2026

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