You don't have to blame yourself anymore. How I, a former perfectionist, learned to hear my 'true voice' after experiencing panic disorder

Hello, this is Ami.
Golden Week is already coming to an end, isn't it?

How did you spend your time?

I recently started machine Pilates at a new studio.

The location, the quality of the instructor, and the small-group environment.

Everything feels just right for me now, and I feel like I've finally found a place I can say, 'This is it!'

Taking time for myself once a week.

Today, I had a luxurious one-on-one lesson where I was able to align my mind and body while having my form corrected in detail.

While spending time like that, I suddenly thought:

'Ah, I should have just corrected my 'habitual thinking' one by one like this, and brought my mind back to its original state.'

To my past self, and to you who are suffering from panic disorder

I used to suffer deeply from panic disorder.

Even if I thought once, 'Oh, I'm getting better, I'll definitely be okay now!'

After a while, I would be hit by strong anxiety again and fall apart.

I would constantly blame myself, thinking,
'I've failed again,'
'How pathetic I am.'
But I understand now.

In the first place, as long as people are alive, there will be many times when their hearts waver, even if they are healthy.

So, it's okay to waver.

It's okay to get better and then get worse again.
When I allowed myself to

'waver', my heart gradually became lighter.

The more I pressured myself to 'get perfectly better,' the stronger my anxiety became.So, I gradually let go of my perfectionism.

Practicing how to communicate 'just right conditions'

Now, instead of just being swayed by my emotions, I am able to distance myself from them little by little.

When I feel uneasy about something, I stop and ask myself:

'What did I really want to do?'
'What made me angry?'
'What would have made me feel comfortable?'

It's a practice of pouring my true feelings into a notebook and looking at myself objectively.

When I do that, I can see my true feelings, like, 'Oh, I was just afraid of being disliked.'

Without blaming the other person, and without blaming myself.

'It would help me if you could do this.'
'If it's in this form, I can comfortably accept it.'

In that way, I try to communicate the 'just right conditions' for me to stay comfortable.

This is the practice I value most right now.

You can return to your true self as many times as you need


I had a period where I experienced panic disorder in the past, but now I have reached a point where I can truly think, 'Ah, I'm doing well today.'

It's okay to waver, and it's okay to return to the original state.

I've become able to think that way because I've learned to listen to the voices of my heart and body more than anything else.

I used to feel guilty about 'doing nothing,' but now I see it as the most luxurious and rich time for taking care of myself.

Time spent maintaining your own comfort should be prioritized over any other plans.

As I take care of myself in that way, I feel like I've returned to the version of myself from childhood who was happy just by being there.

If there is someone out there right now who is suffering and blaming themselves for wavering, just like I was back then,

please be the first to tell yourself, 'It's okay not to be perfect.'

Even if you break once, you can return to your true self as many times as you need.


You just need to believe in that power of yours and change one step at a time.

You don't need to rush.
From tomorrow on, you can just keep adjusting, step by step, at your own pace.
Beyond that, you will surely find your own comfortable place.