The Light I Found Beyond Panic Disorder After Facing 'Death' While Still Alive

Hello, I am Ami.

In the past, I suffered from panic disorder and lived every day in anxiety and despair.

Many years have passed since I overcame it, and I am finally able to look back on that time calmly.

Today, I am healthier in both mind and body than I was before I had panic disorder, and I live a vibrant life every day.

To those of you who are currently suffering from panic disorder and living in anxiety, just as I was back then:

I am sharing my experience in the hope that it might offer you a hint for living.

'Facing death while still alive'

Panic disorder was truly an experience where I was conscious of 'death' time and time again.

However, during the peak of my panic disorder, I suddenly held this thought at the very core of my heart.

'It is rare to have such an intense experience. The fact that I am experiencing this now means I will definitely overcome it, return to my healthy self... and pass this experience on to others who are suffering in the same way.'

Even in the midst of such suffering, I found it strange myself that I could think that way.

'Why me, when I was always so energetic and positive?' I kept searching for the cause over and over again.

But now, I understand clearly.

The cause did not really matter at all.

It was simply a culmination of a way of life where I pushed myself too hard, combined with various timings.

The fact that I am living after overcoming such a tremendous experience is proof that I have incredible life force.

Perhaps there is no terror or suffering in life greater than that.

Because I have come through such a harsh experience, 'No matter what happens in the future, I will be okay'—a foundation for that belief has been built within me.

Therefore, you who are currently in the midst of immense anxiety and suffering will also realize the tremendous power within you as you recover.

No, the power is already there.

The day you naturally return to smiling will surely come again.

The rock-bottom period when I hated myself

When I was in the midst of panic disorder, it was painful even to remember the person I was when I was healthy.

My life changed so much that I couldn't believe I was the same person.

I came to hate myself, became desperate, and thought 'I hate this life' many times.

There were times when I was just impatient and the situation wouldn't change.

Things I used to do naturally, I could no longer do.

The misery of that, and the frustration with nowhere to turn.

Baths, movie theaters, shopping, transportation.

There were times when I couldn't do anything, and even the sunlight was too bright and painful.

There was a period when I was so sensitive to the lights in my room and the sound of the TV that I stayed shut in, in a state of depression.

However, even so, you will definitely get better.

I have overcome everything, and now I am healthy.

The realization that suddenly lightened my heart during my rock-bottom period

There is a realization that suddenly lightened my heart after going through panic disorder.

It is that 'the fact that you are losing confidence and feeling anxious right now is because of the 'illness' of panic disorder, not because of you.'

Once your heart is sufficiently recharged and you become healthy, those painful feelings will naturally fade away.

It won't last a lifetime, so please rest assured.

After you store up energy and return step by step, a more flexible and stronger version of yourself, having regained your health more than ever before, is waiting for you.

No matter how deep the darkness you are in, there is always light.

And, you are living in this anxiety right now.

That alone is truly, truly amazing.

Just by being alive, you are a wonderful person.

You might think that saying this doesn't mean it will be cured immediately.

However, I want to tell you, who are living in pain and unable to tell anyone.

That there is definitely a light for you.

The comfort of counting what you 'have done'

When I was at my lowest, I felt like time was just passing by cruelly.

But I decided toaccumulate small 'accomplishments'.

'I was able to do this today.' 'I couldn't do it yesterday, but I could today.'

Even if you feel miserable and gloomy, you are amazing for being alive. (It really is amazing. Living through this much suffering is proof that you have a resilient life force.)

At the time, I lived by the sea, and in the evenings, I would ride my bicycle to watch the sunset without any particular destination.

My mood was low, but the scenery was beautiful.

I discovered the beauty of the slowly setting sun, which I hadn't noticed when I was healthy.

Because I was afraid of crowds, I looked for places that were less crowded and open.

I researched wide, beautiful places where I could feel at ease.

Empty train cars, specific times of day, movie theaters with wide spacing between seats...

Actually, the reason I am'living comfortably'now is because, during that period of panic disorder, I had unknowingly found places and ways of spending time that were comfortable for me.

There is no need to rush. The intense time of 'dialogue with oneself'

Until I developed panic disorder, I was the picture of health and had never even been sick.

Even when I caught a cold, my fever would go down immediately, and I would always recover quickly.

That is why I assumed that panic disorder was something that would just recover by the next day if I slept.

However, no matter how much I slept, the situation did not improve at all.

On the contrary, my anticipatory anxiety grew stronger and stronger, and my impatience only intensified.

I was impatient, impatient, so incredibly impatient, and I took many detours.

Now that I am calm, there are things I understand.

There is absolutely no need to be impatient.

The time you spend standing still allows for a deeper dialogue with your own mind and body than ever before.

That will become an irreplaceable and wonderful time for your future self.

Because it is a time to carefully measure 'what true happiness is for you.'

Life was never at a standstill.

When I had panic disorder, I felt like my life had stopped.

But now that I have recovered, I can say with certainty:

'Life never stopped for even a single moment.'

It was precisely because of that experience that I was able to learn 'how to cherish myself.'

From now on, in this note, I plan to share little by little the ways of spending time that helped me when I had panic disorder, and small tips for keeping my mind in balance.

What I want to tell you at the end is that feeling 'painful' is proof that you are working hard at 'living.'

The reason you have the feeling of being in pain is precisely because your heart knows the 'comfort' and 'joy' that exist on the other side.

It is okay; the light is definitely right there beside you.

I hope you can move forward slowly at your own pace without rushing. May your tomorrow be even a little more peaceful.

Finally

How I stood back up step by step from rock bottom, and the specific 'mind and body maintenance' I have practiced.

I have compiled my complete, deeper personal record here.
If there is anyone who feels they want to 'know the specific process and find even a little peace of mind,' please take a look as a sort of lucky charm. ↓↓↓