A Small Discovery

Recently, I've been feeling unwell due to work.
I had just started a new job
as part of my rehabilitation after a relapse of adjustment disorder.

It was a welfare job I happened to be offered.
Because I spend a long time with the same users,
and I'm not good at deep interpersonal work,
I started to feel stifled.

I'm not good enough as I am now.
Thinking that, I acted like a very cheerful person
while I worked.
This is also quite draining.

That day, I had heart palpitations, tears, and
was filled with anxiety.

In the midst of that, I met someone I've been helping at a market for a while.
She is an active teacher who also
does farming and jam processing at home.

When I talked about my health and work worries, she listened carefully.

"Why don't you come to the market again?"
"It's plum season now, so I'd be happy if you could help with the processing."

I was very happy to be asked that.

My head, which had only been thinking about work,
felt like it turned in a slightly different direction.

And the words she said to me still remain in my heart.

"Mimi-chan, aren't you giving yourself too many tasks?"

At first, it didn't click.

But when I think about it, I have always lived by making something a task.

I have to be able to work more.
I have to improve my health.
I have to save money for the future.
I have to think about changing jobs.

Once I can do one thing,
I look for the next task.

I thought that was natural.

I've always been aware that I worry about how I'm seen by others.

But the perspective of "continuing to give myself tasks" was a new discovery for me.

She said she had also gone through very painful experiences herself.

Even so, she met her current husband, got married,
and told me that she came to feel
"I'm allowed to be here."

And,

"Mimi-chan, your world might change if you get married."

she also said.

I don't think it means that marriage solves everything.

But I felt like she taught me that there are places where I don't have to blame myself and places where I can be myself.

As for me now, I still don't have an answer regarding work.

Anxiety remains.

But today, I thought just a little bit.

Maybe it's okay to take a break from looking for the next task.

Helping with plum processing, going to the market.

Instead of "I have to," trying to move with "I want to try."

Maybe that kind of time is also important.

For me recently, that was a small discovery.

Today was a long-overdue post.
Have you made any small discoveries lately?
Please feel free to come to the comment section.

Well then, until next time.

Chaimimi🤎