I want a divorce, but I can't because of the kids—my honest feelings

"I want a divorce."
These words have been stuck in the back of my mind for a long time.

But right behind them, a louder voice keeps asking:
"What about the kids?"
"Is it okay to make them children of a single parent?"
"Can you make ends meet?"
"Will you really be happy if you do this?"

Before I know it, the part of me that wants a divorce and the part that can't are quietly fighting every single day.

—

I can't tell anyone, but it's actually really hard.

Dissatisfaction with a partner might look like "common problems" from the outside.
Small misunderstandings, differences in values, the gap in effort regarding childcare and housework.
But when these pile up every day at home, my emotional strength is slowly chipped away.

"I'm the only one trying."
"Why don't you understand?"
"Can I really be happy staying with this person?"

Before I knew it, I was sighing more often than I was laughing.

—

Looking at my child's sleeping face, my resolve wavers every time.

At night, after the kids are asleep.
When I think about divorce in the quiet room, I suddenly hear their breathing.

In that moment, my chest tightens at the thought, "Am I going to take one parent away from this child?"
I can't decide this based on my own happiness alone.
But it's also not right to keep showing my child a version of myself that can't laugh because I'm holding it all in.

Either choice is painful.
That's why I can't easily find the courage to take a step forward, or the courage to turn back.

—

"Wanting a divorce but not being able to" isn't a sign of weakness.

People often say, "You don't get a divorce because you lack resolve" or "You're just putting up with it."
But in reality, that's not true.
My child's future, our livelihood, the anxiety, the human attachment...
There's no way to easily decide when you're carrying all of that on your shoulders.

If anything, it's incredibly strong.
Swallowing it every day, thinking it over, trying to protect the family in my own way.
That is not something that can be done easily.

—

If there is anyone else feeling the same way, you are not alone.

While there are some people in the world who can decide instantly, "I'm getting a divorce!"
Most people have experienced that internal conflict dozens of times before reaching that point.

"Nights when I want to throw it all away"
"Mornings when I feel like I've reached my limit"
"Childcare where I still have to smile today"

There are actually many people holding on with the same feelings.
I wrote about these feelings because I wanted those who are suffering in the same way to be able to think, "I wasn't the only one."