A Morning When I Forgot How to Find My Way Back [A Journey Back to My Own Senses ①]

Even though it was morning, I still couldn't sleep,

and in bed, only the time
felt heavy.

I can't sleep.

I'm tired.

But, I can't sleep.

I didn't even know what I should do
to get back to normal.

It was just that,

things I had been able to do normally until now,

felt like they were slowly drifting further away.

Am I awake?

Am I resting?

The line between the two
was also slowly becoming unclear.

Hello, this is Yura😊

This was about three weeks after I started my leave of absence.

I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder at the psychosomatic clinic,

and the type of sleep aid I was taking was changed.

The doctor
said to me,

"I think you'll be able to sleep with this."

I took those words,

and...

I think I wanted to believe it.

This will help me sleep.

This will help me return little by little.

That is what I thought.

But,

I could not sleep.

My mind was clearly beginning to dull.

My ability to think was declining.

The outlines of words were blurring.

I had that kind of feeling.

And yet,

I could not sleep.

Even though I should have been exhausted,

I could not sleep.

Amidst such contradictions,

the morning was arriving.

Around that time,

I was harboring a slightly strange sense of discomfort.

Like having developed a stomach ulcer,

or having caught the flu.

If that's how things are,

Take medicine.

Rest.

Let time pass.

I thought that was how you
returned to normal.

But,

I feel like this is a little different.

It doesn't end just because I took medicine.

I don't go back to normal just because I rested.

Maybe it's not that simple.

This,

might not be so straightforward.

I don't know the reason yet, but

only that feeling remained.

Back then,

I was searching for a "way back."

If I could just sleep,

I thought I would be able to return to a statewhere I could move myself again.

I think that's what I believed.

Thinking about it normally,

Making decisions normally,

Being able to move normally.

The sense of self that had been taken for granted until now.

I wanted to return to that.

On such a morning,

my husband, who was sleeping next to me, said:

"You seem to have gotten a little better, though."

In that moment,

something caught in my throat.

Because I still,

did not feel like I had gotten better at all.

"How can you tell something like that?"

My voice came out a bit sharp.

My husband was silent for a moment,

"I won't say it again,"

he said, and left the room.

After that,

ah, I thought, I've done it now.

I think it was just me taking my frustration out on him.

Where I was,

It was in the middle of a night when I still couldn't sleep.

I didn't know when it would end.

I didn't even know if I was truly getting better.

When I was told that I was

“a little better”

about something I didn't even understand myself,

perhaps I felt as though I had been left behind.

Back then, I

called my state

“a journey of finding meaning”

I called it that.

Why did this happen?

What had occurred?

How could I go back?

Questions kept swirling in my head.

Even when one answer surfaced,

the next “why?” would be born.

It wasn't so much that I was thinking,

but rather that countless thoughts

felt like they were flowing on their own.

My head felt hazy.

Even though I was taking a shower just like always,

There were times when I suddenly lost track of things along the way.

Did I wash my hair?

Did I use conditioner?

Did I wash my face?

Perhaps,

I might have done the same thing twice.

That is how much,

the contours of my consciousness were blurred.

But,

even though I was in that state,

while I was taking a shower,

something strange happened a few times.

Things that had been spinning in my head,

and that I had given up on halfway through the night,

suddenly unraveled in that moment.

It was a feeling of,

"Maybe that's what this is all about."

It wasn't a proper answer.

I couldn't even explain it.

But,

The answer I forced out with my head

was a little different.

At that moment,
it suddenly occurred to me.

Waterfall meditation,

perhaps it might actually have some meaning.

Of course,

it wasn't that I could explain the reason.

It was just that,

as the water hit me,

it felt like something was being washed away.

I had that kind of sensation.

But,
once the shower ended,

I returned to my hazy thoughts again.

The sleepless nights continued too.

My journey of finding meaning,

was not over yet.

I think that back then,

I was afraid of not knowing.

If I could understand,
I could see the direction to take.

If I didn't know where I was going, I had no choice but to stand still.

That is why I

was desperately trying to build a map in my head.

I thought I was looking for a "place to return to."

But perhaps what I was searching for

was not just returning to the person I used to be.

Perhaps it was a time to pick up once more

the things that had become harder and harder to hear.

Back then,

I didn't know that.

It was just,

a morning when I had forgotten

how to find my way back.

Why was it the shower?

Why was it the water?

Why was it that only in that moment did my thoughts unravel?

I still

do not know for sure.

What I am about to write

is a record of picking up, one by one, the small feelings of unease

whose meanings I did not understand back then.

If there is anyone who finds themselves in a similar place,

along the way,

I would be happy if you could find
even one thing that resonates with the small sensations

within yourself.

This is a record of my journey

as I, who thought I had lost my emotions,
regain trust in my own senses ⛵

Yura 💐