Why Do People Seek 'Belonging'? The Essence of Connection and the Meaning of Life According to Adlerian Psychology
Why do people seek 'connection' so intensely? The essence of belonging as understood through Adlerian Psychology
Isn't the most fundamental instinct the instinct for belonging? For humans, the idea of belonging to this world and being a part of the group is perhaps the most fundamental instinct. That is precisely why humans are capable of suicide. When people fail to belong, they may take their own lives. This can be considered evidence that the desire to belong to this world is stronger than the desire for survival or the desire to live.
To put it simply, people do not exist just to live. They live 'in order to belong somewhere'.
Your Premise
You might think the following:
'Living should be a person's top priority.'
'There is nothing more important than life.'
'One can live without connections.'
That feeling is understandable.
However, it is incorrect.
Why is 'belonging' so important?
People cannot live alone.
That is not just in a physical sense.
It is the same in a psychological sense as well.
・Being connected to someone
・Having a place where one belongs
・Feeling accepted
When this feeling is present,
people feel stable.
Conversely,
what happens when it is lost?
・Becoming isolated
・Losing sight of meaning
・Having one's sense of existence shaken
In other words—
A sense of belonging supports the very meaning of life.
Why do people seek it so much?
There is a purpose here as well.
People
do not just want to exist.
・Want to be accepted
・Want to be needed
・Want to be connected
They have this orientation.
That is precisely why,
when belonging is not fulfilled,
intense anxiety arises.
That, too, is a choice.
What happens when you lose your sense of belonging?
When people cannot feel a sense of belonging,
they may move in extreme directions.
・Trying too hard to stand out
・Engaging in problematic behavior
・Seeking a reaction even by destroying relationships
Or,
they may withdraw completely.
In other words—
every action is being used to 'regain a sense of belonging'.
How can a sense of belonging be created?
This is the core.
A sense of belonging is
not created by evaluation or results.
・Being engaged with just as you are
・Connecting in daily life
・Having your existence acknowledged
It is born from the accumulation of these things.
In other words—
It is not established through special events, but through everyday relationships.
Why can't you feel a sense of belonging?
You might think:
“It's because those around me are cold.”
“It's because the environment is bad.”
However, what is important is
how you engage with others.
・Not engaging yourself
・Keeping your distance for fear of rejection
・Avoiding relationships
Through choices like these,
your sense of belonging weakens.
The 'severing of belonging' lurking in daily life
You might be doing this unconsciously.
・Minimizing engagement
・Trying to complete everything on your own
・Taking connections lightly
These are all
ways of pushing belonging further away.
Questions and Choices
I would like you to consider a question here.
“Where am I trying to belong right now?”
With that in mind, you can also choose the following.
→ Participate in relationships
→ Create connections
Conclusion
It is not that people cannot live alone. It is that when they feel they belong nowhere, they lose sight of the meaning of life.
And,the one who can choose how to engage with those connections is you, here and now.
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The moment you pick up this book, you will be confronted with the “true nature” of your relationship troubles. Shunsaku Noda's narrative is sharp; as you read on, your preconceptions will unravel, and both your distance from others and how you choose to live will change—it is a book that quietly updates the rules of relationships.
Shunsaku Noda is a leading practitioner of Adlerian psychology in Japan. He studied at the Alfred Adler Institute in Chicago and contributed significantly to the spread of Adlerian psychology in Japan while being influenced by the American Adlerian school (Dreikursian). The first president of the Japanese Society of Adlerian Psychology. A leading authority on Adlerian psychology in Japan!