I struggle with 'loud male voices' - Inside the mind of Bipolar Disorder 20

Hello everyone.
I am Papillon, an ordinary office worker with Bipolar II disorder.

This is sudden, but
I would like to write about something I really struggle with,“loud male voices”that I find very difficult.

My heart clenches!!

I have an abnormal struggle with“loud male voices”I am just, simply, terrified.
Even just hearing a little bit, it feels like claws are digging into my heart and it goes “clench!!”

“People who yell”are out of the question, but
even if they aren't angry, it's no good.

A voice calling someone from far away.

Even a boisterous, loud laugh.

Anyway, whenever a deep, loud voice suddenly enters my ears, my “heart clenches”.

Fainting at the voice of a certain boss

There is a boss way up in the company who has a huge voice and yells all the time. He is famous even within the company.
He is so high-ranking that I rarely see him, so it doesn't interfere with my normal work.

However, about two years ago, that boss stomped over to my desk and yelled at me about something quite unreasonable.

I don't have such a delicate personality that I would shrink just from being scolded a little (lol), so I was inwardly furious at how unreasonable it was.
I was even thinking about talking back if I had the chance.
But as I listened to that booming, loud voice, my mind went blank, and I fainted as if I were sliding off my desk chair.

Thud.

With the momentum of sliding onto the floor, I hit my head hard against the caster part of the chair.
There were about 40 employees on the floor, so my colleagues who saw the whole thing rushed over and surrounded me in a panic.

“Oh no, I've done it now...”

“It's an emergency!!”, “An ambulance?!”, “We have to lay her down!!” and other shouts flew about,

and while I was dazed, I managed to squeeze out, “I, I'm okay...”, but the situation around me made me panic even more, and I even started hyperventilating.
It seems that when I was carried to the infirmary, I was crying and screaming, “I want to die, I just want to die.”

The boss in question, perhaps terrified by the sight of me fainting and the 40 pairs of eyes staring at him, quickly disappeared from the scene.

A few days later, the General Manager of Administration told me,
“I shouldn't be the one to say this, but that boss was unusually depressed. He was reflecting deeply, saying, ‘I chose the wrong way to say it.’”
he said.

Tch.
Stay depressed for a while!

I cast a curse on him in my heart.

Loud voices are violence

When I told my doctor about the series of events, they gave me these words.

“A man's 'loud voice' is, in itself, a form of 'violence.' It is only natural to feel fear. It is a very bad thing.”

“I think you fainted as a reaction to‘anger.’The ‘anger’ that should have been directed outward was turned‘inward’because the other person was in an overwhelming position, which likely caused that reaction.”

Yes!
That's exactly it, Doctor!!
I was definitely furious.
At that boss who was unreasonably intimidating me with his 'loud voice'!!

Loud voices are violence.

That's right.
That is a true form of violence.

Memories of my grandfather

When I think about why I became so hypersensitive to men's 'loud voices,' the first thing that comes to mind is my 'grandfather,' who I lived with during my childhood.

My grandfather was a difficult and quiet man, but once he snapped, he was someone who would 'yell' tremendously.
He was good with his hands, so I have many memories of him playing with me by making crafts, but

regardless,

‘I must not make Grandpa angry,’

I always had that fear and I remember being on edge all the time.
The deep, booming voice of my grandfather from back then is still stuck in my head.
I am certain that the cause lies here.

However, my grandfather is no longer in this world, and
the past cannot be changed.

Dashcam footage is terrifying

Even so.
Why do men‘yell’? (Though there are women who yell too;)
I wonder what that solves?

I really wish they would stop showing the 'road rage' dashcam footage of people yelling on morning news programs.
Is there any need to show that from the morning?
It makes my 'heart squeeze' so much, that stuff.
I don't think I'm the only one.


Of course, I know there are maaaaany wonderful men in the world who wouldn't do such boorish things.
I don't hate men, you know (laughs).
Just in case.

Everyone, let's talk at a normal volume.
I hope you remember that there are people who are intimidated by that‘loud voice.’