How do I stop holding back?

Hello, I'm Maru.

When I was a child, I was praised by the adults around me whenever I held back.

“You did a good job holding back. You were so brave.”
“You’re the big sister, so you have to hold back.”
“You’re a grade schooler now, so you have to hold back.”

That’s why I came to think,

“Holding back is a good thing!”

Of course,
I think some of that holding back was necessary.

If I hadn't been able to hold back when I was told not to play with fire,
and had gone ahead and lit it anyway,
it might have caused a fire,

and if I had just lashed out at people
whenever I felt frustrated,
I might have grown up to be someone
who couldn't stop slandering others.

However,
as a child, I couldn't tell the difference,
so I interpreted holding back as a good thing
in every single situation.

I started to feel something was wrong
when I got sick.

“Is there any meaning to a life spent just enduring?”

There are many people in this world
who seem to be living happily.

“If that’s the case, I have the right to enjoy life too, don't I?”

I thought.

But holding back had become so normal for me
that I didn't even know
what I was holding back from.

Because I had always held back,
even when I tried to do something fun,
I didn't even know
what was fun anymore.

“What should I do...?”

It was the sad end result for someone
who had only ever known how to work hard. *sob*

“Let’s stop holding back.”
“You should enjoy yourself more.”

Even when told that,
I think there are some people who
don't know how.

But please,
don't blame yourself for that.

Because it means you’ve worked hard enough
to lose sight of yourself.

It means you’ve valued others
more than yourself.

It means you are that hardworking
and have a kind heart.

Even when things were painful,
even when you were sad,
even when you were lonely,
it was you yourself who always kept doing your best.

The one who stayed by your side no matter what happened
is you.

When you acknowledge the self that has worked so hard,
you can become kinder to yourself.

Please start from there.

Your heart will begin to relax.

Thank you
for reading until the end.

If you could leave a like, comment, or follow,
it would be a great encouragement for the future!