To the me who became a mother on that day, from the me of today

I used to think that becoming a mother was something that happened once life was conceived, or perhaps once the child was born. However, the reality is completely different.
After my children were born, people around me started calling me 'so-and-so's mom,' but my heart couldn't quite keep up. I think I was just being labeled that way by others, and I was desperately trying to conform to the general image of a mother so that I wouldn't fall outside of that label.

The ideal image of a mother at that time was basically one of 'self-sacrifice'.
I would make dishes the children liked so they would eat. I would give the strawberry from a shortcake to the children.
Instead of choosing my own clothes, I only chose clothes for the children.
I would pat them until they fell asleep before I did. I would often fall asleep with them, wake up in the middle of the night, and do the remaining chores.

I wanted to make my children happy, so everything I did was 'for them'.
Most of my decision-making criteria became child-first, and as I gradually fell into the mindset of 'I have to do this,' I lost sight of what I actually wanted to do myself.

Even though I was doing my best for my children, I felt unfulfilled. On the contrary, there were more complaints and selfishness, things kept going wrong, and I was always angry because things wouldn't go smoothly.
As things became increasingly painful and my relationship with my family became strained, I encountered meditation.
That was when I started to become conscious of my 'current feelings'.
Then, I realized the easy trap of this way of thinking.
It is because it is easier to think 'the children' than to think about 'myself'.
It is a trap of abandoning responsibility, where I can blame the children if something happens. Also, following parenting books blindly is a trap of stopping one's own thinking.

My previous ideal image was strongly rooted in the loneliness I felt from not being able to rely on others when I was young.
Therefore, while using parenting books and societal values as references, the image of a mother who gives excessively became my ideal in order to fill my own loneliness.

I think my perspective on things changed once I started looking at myself from a bird's-eye view—asking 'what do I want to do, as someone who is neither a mother nor a wife'—rather than focusing on how I am seen by others.

For example, my eldest daughter often stands up while eating. And then, she suddenly starts dancing. She has calmed down somewhat since becoming an elementary school student, but she still stands up from her seat sometimes.
In the past, I was very irritated by her lack of focus. I often got angry for no reason.
When I became conscious of my irritation, I realized it stemmed from my own selfishness—wanting her to finish eating quickly so I could finish cleaning up.
Now, when she stands up, I ask her to bring something that is missing, like dressing or a small plate. Even if there is nothing missing, I don't scold her. Sometimes her dancing is funny, and we all laugh together.

Also, I think about what I want to do.
I like aromatic vegetables. However, because my children dislike them, I used to avoid them in the past. I thought it was a hassle to make them if only I was going to eat them.
Now, I have decided to think about what I want to eat. Even if the children say it smells, I know my heart is happy just having a salad with cilantro or garland chrysanthemum.

Loving my children allows me to love myself and enjoy parenting.
I want to express my gratitude to them, and also to the me of the past.