"My unborn baby and my husband's life. I don't want to lose either." I drove while praying, even on snowy and blizzardy days | Kotori Diary | Episode 2

My unborn baby and my husband's life.
I didn't want to lose either of them,
so I drove on snowy roads while praying.

As my husband's condition progressed,
I focused solely on just "surviving" each day.

I will write about those winter days,
when I drove while praying with a large belly.

From a single phone call

I became pregnant shortly after getting married,
and was emergency hospitalized for a threatened miscarriage.

Even after being discharged, I continued to rest at home
while taking medication.

Then, one day

I received a phone call at home.

"I have something to discuss regarding your husband."

Just those words.

I never imagined
that I would be told his remaining life expectancy.

Carrying my large belly,
I drove the car alone to the hospital.

The doctor probably
did not imagine that I was pregnant.

And what was quietly told to me was

"Terminal cancer, one year left to live"

a reality.

My mind went blank,
and I couldn't accept it.

Medical examinations and reality

From the first hospital,
I was given a referral letter stating "a detailed examination at a large hospital is necessary,"
and my husband went for repeated consultations.

The tests and examinations took a long time,
and days followed where he had no choice but to take time off work.

I felt that the gears of our lives
were starting to go out of sync, little by little.

Medical expenses, living costs.
My husband couldn't work.
I was pregnant and couldn't work.

The anxiety just kept growing and growing.

Praying on the winter roads

From then on,
my husband's battle with illness and hospitalization, and my pregnancy and caregiving, began all at once.

It was about an hour's drive from our home to the hospital.

Rainy days,
snowy days,
blizzard days.

I kept gripping the steering wheel.

"Please let me avoid a car accident."
"I'm driving safely, so please don't let my stomach hurt."

While carrying the risk of a threatened miscarriage,
I would place my hand on my baby every day,
and drive as if I were praying while talking to them.

On the way there, my only goal was to "arrive at the hospital safely."

On the way back, my only goal was to "return home safely."

Carrying laundry and daily necessities,
I would return to our pitch-black home.

In a room all by myself,
I couldn't stop crying over my own fate.

"Why is this happening to us..."

But crying wouldn't change anything.

I had to go to the hospital again tomorrow.

Words spoken in the hospital room

One winter day,

A patient in the same room spoke to me.

"Ma'am, it's better if you don't come in during the winter. Influenza is going around, and it would be terrible if you caught a cold."

Winter had arrived in the blink of an eye.
There must have been an increase in influenza patients at the hospital.
Those words took me by surprise.

"I cannot get infected."
"I have to protect my baby."

Even so,

I simply could not
leave my husband alone.

And gradually,
the one year he was given to live was drawing near.

Unlike the newlywed life I had imagined

The newlywed life I had imagined was one where
my husband would carry heavy bags for me,
and I could enjoy the growth of my baby in peace.

But the reality was,

hospital visits and nursing care.
A battle with my own physical condition.

Even cleaning the bathtub took a toll on my body,
and although I tried to be careful about my diet,
I have almost no memory of what I ate back then.

To accept those days,
it required a tremendous amount of mental strength.

Looking back

Back then, I was a pregnant woman,
a wife providing care,
and a person responsible for housework.

But I was at my limit with all of them,
and I think I was just living with the sole goal of"getting through the day safely."

Absorbed in the moment

That is truly the only word that describes that year.

I cried a lot, too.
But I told myself, "Crying isn't good for the baby," and
tried to live each day positively.

For the sake of my child who was to be born.

My husband also believed, "I'll get better with treatment."
Precisely because he didn't know he was going to die,
I had no choice but to keep his spirits up.

Feelings of helplessness,
feelings of misery,
days beyond imagination.
The burden of having to worry about money as well

However, I had no choice but to move forward.

"Let's just cherish today, this very moment."
Those were the days I spent thinking that.

→ Continues to Episode 3: "The Miraculous Birth and My Husband's Final Moments—The Day I Became a Mother, the Day I Said Goodbye to My Husband"

Thank you for reading until the end.

To those who have experienced supporting a loved one through a battle with illness, those who are currently doing their best in a similar situation, and those who have experienced pregnancy and nursing simultaneously.

If you would like, please share your experiences and thoughts in the comments section. Your words might become a source of support for someone else.

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