The Reality of Remaining Unfulfilled as Long as You Want to Be Loved

No reply. No read receipt. Fewer 'likes' than yesterday.
That alone makes the day a little darker. I must pose a cruel question to those who know what this feels like.
Are you loving right now?
Or are you just waiting to be loved?

These two are completely different actions.

From the perspective of evolutionary psychology, it is a natural design for humans to feel a strong desire to be 'loved'.
Being accepted by the group was once directly linked to survival. For a long time, being ostracized from the village meant death. That is why the brain still monitors evaluation from others as if its life depends on it.
Checking social media notifications isn't a sign of weak willpower, but an instinct ingrained over tens of thousands of years.

The problem is that this instinct completely backfires in the modern age.

When you make 'being loved' the source of your happiness, the control over your happiness is handed entirely to others.
You are happy if they turn toward you, and unhappy if they ignore you. There is no more unstable way to place your happiness. Moreover, the desire to be 'loved' increases its required standard the more it is satisfied. If you receive 10 units of affection, you will demand 20 next time.
There is no bottom to the desire for approval. The hunger only grows deeper the more you eat.

Psychologist Erich Fromm brilliantly dissected this structure in his book 'The Art of Loving'.
Many people receive love as something 'to be loved,' but love is essentially something 'to love'.
Loving is a skill, a habit, and a will.
It is not something you get by waiting; it is something that is born only when you take action yourself.

Here, an interesting paradox emerges. Ironically, those who focus on 'loving' find their obsession with 'being loved' fading away.
This is because the act of loving itself already contains a sense of fulfillment. Love that does not assume a return does not break even if it is not reciprocated. This is not a losing way to live, but the most resilient form of happiness.

Of course, I know that experiences of loving without being rewarded make it difficult to accept this way of thinking honestly.
The more times people are hurt, the more they learn that 'it is safer to be loved than to love.' Wearing armor seems wise. However, nothing grows inside armor.

A life lived waiting to be 'loved' versus a life lived choosing to 'love.' Which was richer will be clear when it is all over. But it is too late to realize it only after it ends.

A 19th-century French writer had already answered that question 200 years ago.

'Happiness is not to be loved, but to love.'— Stendhal

About Stendhal

Real name Marie-Henri Beyle (1783–1842). A pioneer of French realist literature. His masterpieces 'The Red and the Black' and 'The Charterhouse of Parma' are still read around the world today. He is also known for his essay 'On Love,' which thoroughly analyzed the psychology of romance, depicting the structure of human emotions with a cold, observant eye. He was barely appreciated during his lifetime, predicting, 'I will be understood in the 1880s,' which actually came true.

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