The Curse Called Self-Esteem
Every time I am told to "boost my self-esteem," something feels off.
It is as if the phrasing implies that if you just have self-esteem, everything will work out. This message is directed at students who failed their job hunts, young people who lost confidence in romance, and mothers struggling with child-rearing, until it has even begun to be discussed as a national-level policy. Is it truly a "panacea"?
Psychologically speaking, self-esteem is the feeling that you have value. It is easily influenced by one's upbringing and family environment, and it is said that people with low self-esteem tend to deny themselves and avoid challenges or interpersonal relationships.
Hearing this, one might understand why "cultivating self-esteem" is also called for in school education.
However, there is a paradox here.
—The moment we are told to "boost our self-esteem," we start to think, "I am not good enough as I am."
The term self-esteem is spoken of under the premise that it is inherently "lacking." Furthermore, the vague and subjective evaluation axis of whether one's self-esteem is high or low makes us even more anxious.
Be more positive, have more confidence, love yourself more... This “hell of more and more” is quietly eroding the hearts of modern people.
American clinical psychologist Carl Rogers said, "When I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."
In other words, self-esteem is not something to be "boosted," but something to be "acknowledged."
When you accept your own weaknesses, failures, and even your pathetic moments, the possibility for self-esteem to "grow" is born.
However, in an SNS-driven society, this steady process is undervalued.
Instagrammable daily lives, success stories told by winners, and photos of seemingly happy families. Every time you scroll, the feeling that "only I am not doing well" is reinforced. Through comparison with others, self-esteem is actually damaged.
Furthermore, there is an image that "people with high self-esteem are superior human beings," but that is merely an illusion.
People who are intoxicated with themselves, fall into overconfidence, and cannot empathize with others do not have high self-esteem; they have self-inflation. In psychological terms, this is the realm of "narcissistic personality," which is the exact opposite structure of self-affirmation.
So, where does true self-esteem come from?
The answer is surprisingly modest.
Keep the promises you make every day. Continue even small things. Instead of comparing yourself to others, compare yourself today with yourself yesterday. Beyond the accumulation of such trivial actions, you will be able to whisper to the question "Am I okay like this?" by saying, "Well, maybe it's not so bad." That is self-esteem.
As professional baseball player Ichiro said, "Accumulating small things is the only way to reach incredible places."
It is not flashy success, but the repetition of humble efforts that creates the most certain confidence. After all, self-esteem is not trust in a "self that can do things well," but an understanding of a "self that is okay even if it fails."
That is why we must rethink self-esteem not as something to "obtain," but as a "feeling to nurture." It is okay to dislike yourself sometimes, and it is okay to have nights when nothing goes right.
But even so, if you can be just a little kinder to yourself again tomorrow, that might be enough.
Because, in truth, there is no need to affirm yourself by comparing yourself to anyone else.