Not being hated is the same as not being liked
When people say, "I don't think that person hates me," they say it with a sense of relief. But when you think about it, this is a strange way of putting it. They are confirming whether they are not hated, rather than whether they are liked.
The goal has been swapped from "gaining favor" to "avoiding rejection."
This substitution happens without us even noticing.
From the perspective of evolutionary psychology, sensitivity to social rejection was directly linked to survival.
Being cast out of a group once literally meant death. Therefore, the brain prioritizes neural resources for detecting signals of rejection before it focuses on building up favor.
The relief of not being hated is a sign that this ancient circuit is malfunctioning in modern human relationships.
According to research by neuroscientist Naomi Eisenberger, the brain regions that activate when experiencing social exclusion overlap significantly with those that process physical pain.
If the fear of being hated is processed with the same priority as avoiding pain, one can understand how deeply rooted the behavior of trying to avoid it is.
The problem is that the "strategy to not be hated" and the "strategy to be liked" are almost polar opposites.
To avoid being hated, you avoid conflict, keep your opinions vague, and act pleasantly toward everyone. These actions minimize friction.
However, to be liked, you need a contour. You need preferences, assertions, and sometimes you must make choices that differ from others.
A person without a contour is not hated, but they are not strongly liked either.
In social psychology, this is sometimes called the "bipolarity of liking."
Being strongly liked by one person is two sides of the same coin as the risk of being strongly hated by someone else. Conversely, it is highly likely that someone who is not hated by anyone is not strongly liked by anyone either.
The evaluation of being "someone liked by everyone" is often a euphemism for "someone who leaves no impression on anyone."
There is a structure that reinforces this in specific environments.
As the saying "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down" suggests, in places where group conformity pressure is strong, the expression of individuality is perceived as a risk.
The strategy for survival there is to become transparent. Have no opinions, make no waves, and blend into the atmosphere of the room.
This strategy is effective in the short term, but it lowers the density of human relationships in the long term.
You hurt no one, but you remain in no one's memory.
What is even more troublesome is that this strategy also affects one's self-image.
If you play the role of "the person who is not hated" for too long, you yourself will lose track of what you like, what you dislike, and what you truly desire.
As a result of constantly adjusting yourself based on the reactions of others, you lose the standard itself.
The price of succeeding in not being hated is losing yourself.
So, where do we start to change?
One practice is to "voice your small preferences."
Before speaking up in a meeting, practice saying "I prefer this one" at lunch.
The fear of rejection can be desensitized little by little through the accumulation of small choices.
Another is the habit of treating being hated as "information."
When you are hated by someone, it is also a sign that your contour has reached them. Giving up on being liked by everyone is also the beginning of being deeply liked by specific people.
Not being hated might be safe.
But that is a completely different story from being liked. If you live while confusing the two, the number of your relationships may increase, but their depth will not grow.
People do not like a person without a contour.
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