The Case of Refusing to Accept a Dream That Had Already Come True!!

I'm Hitomi Kuboyama, and I've decided to take off my roles and live as 'myself.' Thank you so much for coming to read this note again today!

Today, I want to talk about how I realized I had committed a shockingly foolish mistake this month.

I call it: 'The incident where my dream had already come true, but I was doing everything in my power to refuse to accept that reality!'

You're probably thinking, 'What on earth does that even mean? lol' The reality I had been wishing for—'I wish it would be like this'—was actually right in front of me, but instead of accepting it, I went out of my way to turn it into a source of my own suffering and worry...

Depending on how you accept it, the same reality can become either hell or heaven. This is a story I really want to reach those of you who are kind and always whip yourselves, thinking, 'I have to try harder.'

'What is my purpose for existing?' A year of inner conflict as a childcare worker

As I've written about here and there in my notes, besides my personal activities, I work part-time as a childcare worker at a 'Child Development Support Facility.'

Children with severe physical and intellectual disabilities come there. They are children with various circumstances, such as those who need medical care or those who have paralysis in their limbs and cannot move as they wish. Our job is to support their development as a whole staff while they spend their time feeling truly safe and happy.

But all I could do was sing songs, dance, read picture books, and play interactive games.

Moreover, since many of the children have physical conditions, even for the interactive games I love, a certain degree of restriction is necessary to preserve their lives. Unless I consult carefully with the nurses and occupational therapists (OT), I cannot even touch them.

When that happened, negative thoughts started spinning around in my head.

I spent a whole year struggling alone with this anxiety and impatience regarding my 'reason for existing.'

The 'ideal world' I had been wishing for was already right in front of me

On the other hand, my personal wishes had always been clear. 'I wish I could earn money just for my own existence.' 'I wish my way of living and my thoughts could become someone's value and turn into income just as they are.' 'It would be the best if I could express myself like an Instagrammer and interact happily with various people.'

That is exactly why I have been posting as a home English teacher and learning about business.

But the more I worked individually, the more I learned—to a painful degree—the 'difficulty of receiving money.' That is precisely why, regarding my part-time workplace, I was desperate to fulfill the thick role of a 'perfect childcare worker,' thinking, 'Since I am receiving money, I must continue to provide some visible, specialized value!!!'

I consulted with my boss and fellow nurses many times, saying, 'I'm sorry I'm not able to do anything.' But you know, everyone said the same thing to me.

'Kuboyama-sensei, you have enough value just as you are. We are truly helped just by you being here.'

A normal person would feel relieved and think, 'Oh, that's good!' But because I was wearing a rigid role and living with a strict, deduction-based mindset toward myself, I ended up thinking this.

"No, that's not good enough!! You're just existing!!! You have to produce some kind of result!!"

...Do you understand? Everyone was offering me a reward right in front of my eyes, saying, "You have value just by existing" (the world I had always wanted), but I was rejecting it with all my might, saying, "No, I'm not there yet! I still have to work hard!!! Come on, whip me, it hurts!!!" and I was strangling myself and suffering.

I was the one bullying myself.

It was the Princess 1-day lesson with A-chan that made me realize the mechanism of this grand, one-sided wrestling match I was having with myself.

When I looked at my state objectively during our conversation, I was startled. I thought, "Oh, wow... what I'm wishing for (to be loved and become prosperous just for existing) and my actions are completely at odds!!"

The moment I realized it, I couldn't stop crying. Oh, I had worked so hard. Even though those around me were forgiving me, saying, "You're working hard enough, you're fine just as you are,"the person who wasn't acknowledging me the most in the whole world was myself.

Even though those around me were saying, "Hitomi, please forgive yourself already," the me inside me was saying, "Hitomi, you're not there yet! You can still do more! You have to work harder!!!" and I had been bullying myself and whipping myself the whole time.

Surely, many of the moms and dads reading this are living in a similar reality, aren't they?

Even though people around you say, "It's amazing how you're always working so hard" or "It's okay," you can't forgive yourself, and you're whipping yourself on your own, draining your peace of mind, aren't you? And then, when you're exhausted and can't move, don't you blame yourself, saying, "Hey, why are you resting! Get it together!"?

When your gas tank is on empty, you push yourself to make a healthy dinner for your children, and then you get sad and yell when they won't eat it. You feel like you're going to lose your mind when they refuse to take a bath, and you drop the hammer on the child jumping on the futon while you're trying to put them to sleep. And then at night, looking at their sleeping faces, you blame yourself, saying, "I'm sorry I spent the whole day yelling."

Let's put an end to that painful loop.

When you give yourself a gold star, the world starts to turn gently.

After realizing this "refusal to accept" incident, I completely changed my stance while working my part-time job. I stopped thinking about "What is the meaning of my existence?" entirely.

I just focused on being there. Spending the moment right in front of me with the children, laughing and having fun together. I decided to spend my time thinking only about that.

Then, you know, I became able to honestly accept the warm reality that had been offered to me, thinking, "Oh, I am truly happy. Everyone is grateful for my very existence."

Once I was fulfilled and able to give myself a gold star, the way I saw those around me also changed. For my son and my husband right in front of me, the feeling of "Thank you for just existing, not because of what you do for me!" started overflowing from the depths of my heart and wouldn't stop.

And then, interestingly enough, my family got even closer!

The other day, when I was having a really hard time because of lack of sleep, instead of pushing myself and working hard like I usually would, I honestly tried relying on my husband. I said, "I'm having a hard time because I'm so sleep-deprived today, could you please make curry, honey? Can I ask you to do that?"

Then, he gladly made the curry, and when I went over to lean on him a little, my husband, who is usually like a mischievous child who would bounce me away half-jokingly, actually accepted me gently (lol).

When you acknowledge your own hard work and forgive yourself, you can become kind to others. And you will be treated with surprising kindness by the people around you. Such a "gentle world" is not something you create anew; it is something that is already waiting right in front of you the moment you break the curse you placed on yourself.

First of all, please give yourself a huge gold star today for working so hard. And let's start letting go of the things you're forcing yourself to do, one by one.

To Azusa Takeuchi, also known as A-chan, who helped me realize that such a kind world exists,
Those who like my articles and way of thinking might also find that they are on the same wavelength as her.
I'll also introduce A-chan's note here, where she creates a kind world by engaging in dialogue with herself through note-taking techniques!!
Be sure to take a look!! You might find some new insights!!!

I'll post the article recording our dialogue from A-chan's perspectivehere!!