A Parent's 'Little Bit of Slacking Off' to Encourage Child Independence

I'm Hitomi Kuboyama, and I've decided to take off my roles and live as 'myself'.
Thank you for coming to read this note today!

Actually, have you noticed that doing too much for them keeps them from becoming independent??

For example...
Checking every detail every night, asking, 'Did you pack your schedule for tomorrow properly? Did you forget anything?'
Stepping in ahead of time, saying, 'It looks like it might rain, so take an umbrella!'
If the child looks like they might have even the slightest bit of trouble, immediately reaching out to help.

All of these actions come from a place of deep love for the child, but they are actually counterproductive to the child's independence.
Kind and responsible mothers who think, 'I have to be a proper parent' or 'I don't want them to have trouble in the future,' tend to provide perfect support unconsciously. And then, the moms themselves end up completely exhausted.

Does 'perfect support' steal the chance for independence?

But you know, this parenting style of wearing the armor of a 'good mother' and being too proactive is not only hard on the parent, but it's actually a waste for the child, too.

This is because a parent's 'perfect support' unknowingly robs the child of the 'chance to think and act for themselves' and the 'chance to learn from failure'.

If a parent removes every stone in front of them to create a flat path so they don't fall, the child will certainly move forward without getting hurt.
Without ever experiencing failure.

But when the time comes that they have to walk a bumpy road alone without the parent's help, they won't know how to avoid the stones or how to get back up when they fall.
The mindset that 'someone will take care of it' won't work in every situation.
They end up growing into children who can't do anything without someone else, even if they could have actually done it themselves.

A parent's 'little bit of slacking off' raises the child

So, what I want to propose today is a 'little bit of slacking off' that parents do consciously.
It might sound bad to call it slacking off, but this isn't 'neglect'; it's 'watching over' them with love, and creating positive space.

For example, why not try letting go just a little bit like this?

• Leave the preparations for tomorrow entirely to the child, and don't check them at all.

• Try suggesting, 'Mom is taking a break from cooking today! Why don't you try making your own rice balls?'

• When they are looking for something, instead of finding it for them immediately, just give them a hint like, 'I wonder where it could be?' and watch over them.

At first, I think you will feel incredibly restless (laughs). Even if you notice, 'Oh, they definitely forgot that...', you have to hold back from speaking up. For a parent, watching over them requires many times more patience than helping them. At first, it's seriously an ordeal (laughs).

Let's give them the 'best teaching material': failure

If you let go, the child will naturally fail. They might get scolded by a teacher for forgetting something at school, forget to bring materials for art class, or spill rice everywhere while trying to make rice balls.

But that's okay! That's good!!!
In fact, that failure becomes the 'best teaching material' for the child.

'Oh, next time I'll prepare the night before.'
'If I forget something, I have to apologize to the teacher myself.'
By experiencing pain and failure in ways like that,
the child begins to acquire the 'ability to think and manage for themselves'.

When parents let go of being 'perfect' and intentionally show a bit of vulnerability by saying, 'Mommy is so tired today, please help me!',
children often grow up to be surprisingly reliable, saying, 'Oh well, I guess I'll do it for you!'

When I'm struggling in the evening with this and that—cooking and the dishes just won't end!—
there are times when they offer to help with the cooking, or say they'll do the dishes. Even if it looks a bit like they're just playing with water, they really do scrub with the sponge.

When you take off your armor, smiles increase for both parent and child.

Let's cast aside the feeling that you 'have to be a proper parent'.

Rather than being on edge trying to do everything perfectly, it's better to slack off a little and laugh, saying, 'Haha, I made a mistake!' This allows children to grow up feeling secure and free. Above all, the burden on your own heart will feel lighter, and the time you spend together as parent and child will surely be filled with more smiles.

Trust in your child's abilities and intentionally let go of the reins. Why not start incorporating this kind of 'positive slacking off' little by little, starting today?

Today, too, let's relax our shoulders and enjoy our days with our children with a smile, just as the imperfect and lovable 'me' that we are!!