The reason I kept trying even though my heart was exhausted

Even though I am clearly exhausted, for some reason, I sometimes think “I’ll just try a little harder.” Even when my heart is near its limit, I feel like I will lose something if I don't keep trying, and I become unable to stop. For a long time, I lived every day in that state.

When I was trying too hard in a strange way

The first thing that comes to mind is my time as a school administrator at my previous job. I could somehow manage to wake up in the morning, but I never felt like eating breakfast. I would barely manage to drink some canned coffee I had stocked up on and smoke a cigarette.

At first glance, it might look like a poignant morning moment, but inside, my heart was in tatters. My head would be filled with the day's tasks and feelings of melancholy, and I wouldn't want to go to work. I don't know how many times I wished I would just pass away from some kind of seizure right then and there.

Because I didn't want to go so badly, I would chain-smoke several cigarettes as if begging for a reprieve. I would keep smoking in a gloomy mood until the very last minute I could leave to arrive at work just in time. Eventually, the nausea would become more prominent than the exhaustion in my heart. After throwing up the coffee I had just drunk and stomach acid in the restroom, I would change my clothes with a pale face and head to work. It’s a strange story, but vomiting was what finally gave me the resolve to go to work.

It became a habit to head to work with a dead look on my face, and the moment I arrived, I would put on a smile as if changing a mask. I remember greeting people cheerfully and engaging in small talk I didn't mean while sitting at my desk to start my work.

By wearing that mask and working, I naturally started to receive decent evaluations from those around me, such as being called "diligent" or having a "sense of responsibility." While I would smile and thank them for that praise, I remember that deep down, I wasn't happy at all.

That was because I wasn't trying from the heart in the first place, and I had lost sight of what I was even trying for..

Now that I have quit my job and become a freelancer, I no longer whip my heart to keep moving like that. Although I do have to tackle things I dislike...

Why did I do that?

What I find strange now is why I was doing such things back then. Since my heart was exhausted, I think I should have just rested without pushing myself, or if I had to work, I should have approached it with a sense of fatigue.

Perhaps, the me back then didn't want to cause trouble or worry for anyone. Now, even if I cause a little trouble or worry for someone, I don't get as shaken up as I used to. I think the me from my previous job was constantly exhausted and on guard against something.

Also, I consider it a major factor that I couldn't feel my own worth unless I was trying hard. This bad habit hasn't been completely cured even now, but it is much better than it was back then.

I can tell others that their existence has value even if they don't try hard, but when it comes to applying that to myself, I can't quite think that way smoothly. Regarding this, I hope to correct it from here on out, because I think that thinking or saying that I have no value is what truly has no value.

And it is also a big factor that I was afraid of being thought of as lazy. At my previous job, I was always in a state of tension while at the workplace. I think I was abnormally worried about whether someone would say something to me or if I would be thought of as a slacker.

I can honestly confess this now, but I am a natural-born slacker. If left alone, I would truly spend the whole day without doing anything. Being able to accept this as perhaps a kind of talent is proof that my heart is in a slightly better state.

Finally, I think that trying hard had just become normal for me. I think it is normal to work at a moderate pace and only try hard during critical moments, but that was not the case for me.

I was constantly plagued by obsessions, anxiety, and fear that I had to keep pushing myself, so I was always trying too hard in a strange way.It was like revving an engine for no reason, and I truly think I was doing something foolish.

How am I now?

A lot of time has passed since I left my previous job. I am living my life now without the false energy and overexertion I had back then. I think I might be living one of the most carefree lives of my entire life.

To be honest, I still haven't shaken the habit of trying too hard in a strange way. I fall into self-loathing if I don't get things done, and I haven't fully cured the bad habit of setting the bar too high for myself. By the way, I am writing this article right now after pulling an all-nighter. I guess that's why my depression isn't getting better easily.

However, unlike in my previous job or before that, I no longer have the extreme mindset that“if I stop, it’s all over.”Even if I stop for a moment, it won't immediately cause problems in my life. No matter how much trouble I might have in life, I won't die.This is a big change compared to when I was blindly afraid of something and pushing myself. It feels like the demon that was chasing me inside my heart is gone.

In the end, no matter how much you stop or fail, life just goes on.It seems cruel, yet it also seems merciful. I am trying to think more easily now that it would be nice if I could live in this two-sided world in my own way.

Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I am striving to think more easily. There is still room for me to correct my way of thinking. I hope that one day, I will be able to take things easy naturally.

That said, I believe my experiences so far haven't been in vain, just because I've come to realize that life continues properly even if I stop.

Thank you for reading this far.
I hope this reaches those who are going through a similar period of being unable to “stop,” even if just a little. If you liked this article, your support would be very encouraging.

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