A story about 'jealousy' from a fragile-minded parenting illustrator.

Nami Saito is at it again. She has even managed to trigger a festival on note. And the name of it is the 'Jealousy Festival.' I have no choice but to participate.

I am extremely jealous. To express it with a bit more resolution, I have a strong desire to be loved, and if people's attention isn't directed at me, my emotions get very disturbed. My mentality is like that of a four or five-year-old. The child of a friend I met the other day (a six-year-old first-grade boy) was a much more emotionally stable adult than I am.

I am a freelance illustrator in my second year of independence, and my income is still unstable. In my private life, I am raising a zero-year-old. My disposable time is limited, I have little freedom of movement, and I am chronically sleep-deprived, making me mentally fragile every day.

In other words, it's like this.

Hmph. Hmph, I say.

I am also quite bad with words like 'oshi' (favorite) or 'fan' that have become common recently, depending on the context. For example, in situations like this: 'You're my favorite!' 'I'm a fan!'

Hmm, I see. The feeling that my own existence is becoming transparent is terrifying. I feel unbearable, like I have nowhere to go. I'll add a disclaimer: I know that the people around me aren't attacking, harassing, or excluding me, and I think it's wonderful communication where no one is at fault. It's just that my jealousy-filled heart is hurting itself in a self-service kind of way.
If I could just say, 'Really! That's wonderful! I wanted to talk to you too!', then everyone could communicate comfortably, right?

Come to think of it, this 'Jealousy Festival' is the same. Nami-san, who has achieved her dream of publishing, Nami-san, who receives passionate comments from fans on her work every time, Nami-san, who triggers festivals like this and livens up the note world. I'm envious.

Ugh. I want to grasp something soon, too. All I can grasp right now is a half-finished baby bottle or a used diaper.

I'd like to try saying things like, 'Jealousy? I don't really feel it. I respect them, though.' But I think anyone who says that is usually a liar (a radical opinion).

It is undoubtedly my true feeling. I want it. I want it, I want it, I want it, look at me more, look at me.

No matter how much time passes, no matter how far I go, it's always like this. I want to make people who won't turn toward me turn toward me. I want a reaction from people who don't give me one. Look at me, look over here, please. Make me feel like it's okay for me to be here.

As I burn my heart out with the flames of jealousy and the desire for approval, before I know it, my cute, cute daughter and my kind, understanding husband frame out of my consciousness.

Starting next month, she'll be in daycare. My husband's parental leave also ends this March. This whole month is all I have left to be with them during the day. Will I spend even that time burning myself out with these ugly emotions, and at the end of that repetition, will I die alone in a scorched field, me...................?

There is someone here who is watching me closely.

'Focus on the happiness you have now,' 'Notice what you have and be grateful.' I don't want to end with such obvious things. Even if I do that, my feelings might become a little easier, but the jealousy and the unpleasant emotions won't disappear.

But if I have enough firepower to start a wildfire in my heart, I'll launch a huge firework and try to entertain someone. Someone somewhere might watch it, they might find it interesting, and it might make them feel a little better. I don't want a scorched field, but if I'm going to live a life of launching fireworks called expression until I die, I think I'd like that.