The Reason I Still Write, Even Though I Couldn't Save You

I kept sending messages. But I couldn't connect. Even so, I will not stop writing.

For the past few days, I haven't been feeling quite right.
I've been spending my days and nights in a state of gloom.

Being alone in the house makes it even more unbearable.

I regret so many things, and
I even find myself thinking,
'Maybe it would be better if I weren't in this world at all.'

I'm sure there are others out there who, like me right now, are feeling down and suffering.

Even at times like these, I write.

It's not just for someone else to read.

It is to trust myself once again.

Suddenly, I remembered a 16-year-old girl named 'T-chan'.

My younger sister, who lives far away, was worried about the girl's school refusal.
For a while, I was sending messages to her on LINE.

I wanted to do something to help her.

If she couldn't go to school, I thought she could find another path.
I hoped she would find something fun and feel a little more at ease.

I thought I wanted to invite her to my house and have her spend time freely without any worries.

Thinking things like that, I sent her messages.

But there was almost no reply.

Read.

That was all.

No matter how many times I sent them, they didn't come back.

Eventually, I got tired too.
And the LINE messages stopped.

Back then, I was trying to do something about you.

Now, I don't think that way.

I won't tell you to go to school.
I won't tell you to do your best, either.

However, if you are still struggling with yourself, there is just one thing I want to tell you.

I want you to build things, one by one, that allow you to trust yourself.

Small things are fine.
You got up today.
You read one book.
You cooked a meal.
You drew a picture.
You said 'good morning' to someone.

Things like that are fine.

Before being trusted by others, do not abandon yourself.

I am practicing that myself right now, too.

But, from the perspective of that 16-year-old girl,

it might not have been 'I want you to do something about it,' but rather,
'I want you to accept me as I am right now.'

That is a possibility.

Of course, the truth is something only she would know.

Thinking about it now,

perhaps I was trying too hard to do something for her.

Perhaps, in truth, I didn't need to do anything at all.

It is okay if you cannot go to school.
It is okay if you don't decide on your path right away.

Perhaps it would have been enough to just say, 'There is someone here who cares about you,' and stay by your side without asking for a reply.

I want to continue writing for children who cannot go to school and for young people who have lost their way in life.

They might not even see the title.
They might not even 'like' it.

That is fine, too.

'You are not finished just as you are now.'

'There are paths in life other than going to school.'

"It's okay to have times when you can't believe in yourself."

I leave those words somewhere.

Whether they read them or not is up to them.
Whether they reply or not is also up to them.

I no longer think about trying to save anyone.

I just want to leave words behind that can be picked up when needed.