To the me who kept saying 'I'm fine'

I used 'I'm fine' to cover things up

Back then, I was good at using 'I'm fine' to cover things up.

That's probably why those around me didn't notice.

That, in reality, I wasn't fine at all.

After becoming the manager of home care services, I was constantly worried about someone's schedule, health, or the situation of a user, so I couldn't let go of my work phone.

If there was a sudden absence, I would rearrange the shifts,
if I received a call from a user or their family, I would handle it,
and if a staff member came to me for advice, I would listen to them first.

It didn't matter if it was break time or my day off.

Before I knew it, I had almost no time to think about my own state.

Even so,
'I'm fine'
answering with a smile had become second nature.

I had forgotten how to take a break

In truth, I had been on edge ever since I became a manager.

It was my first time in a management position.
The office had barely just started up.
I had to generate revenue.

'I have to make sure things run properly.'
That feeling was always somewhere in the back of my mind.

Every time the phone rang,
'Is there a problem?!'
'Did someone get sick?'
My heart would react before I could think.

Even on my days off, I couldn't completely relax.
Every morning started with checking my work phone,
and every time I looked at the clock,
'Right now, it's time for so-and-so's care. I wonder if they're okay.'
I would find myself thinking about it.

But,'It's only natural since I'm the manager'I thought.
It's a small office, and I thought this was the time to push through.
Prioritizing users and staff over myself had become the norm.

However,
the more I prioritized others, the less I felt my own exhaustion.

A word from a user

Back then, I thought that was what it meant to 'do my best'.

When we were short-staffed and had no choice but to change care hours,
even if it meant pushing myself a little,
I thought it was better if I just stepped in to make it work.

I didn't even have a sense of what it meant to properly rest.
I even thought that as long as the route was covered, a half-day off was fine.
Working consecutive shifts had become the norm for me.

'A half-day off is still a day off'
'I'm fine'
That's what I told both myself and those around me.

Even though the people around me kept telling me, 'You should really take a proper break.'

Perhaps,I felt that taking a break was a sign of 'weakness'.

Because of that, I was always on edge.
My mind never rested, and I feel like I was thinking about work no matter what I was doing.

Even when I was sleeping at night, I would have dreams about work and wake up confused about reality.
Things like that started to happen more often.

One day,
I noticed a client staring intently at my face.

When I asked with a smile, 'Is something wrong?'

'Have you been busy lately?'
'Your smile looks a bit strained.'
they said.

I remember being surprised.
At that moment, I thought I was smiling properly.

I thought I was interacting as usual,
and doing my job as usual.

But it had reached the client after all.

I feel like that was the first time I realized I had less capacity than I thought.

I kept saying 'I'm fine,' but
in reality, I might have been slowly approaching my limit.

Looking back now,
I think the me from back then was pretending not to notice my own exhaustion.

Because of my position, I couldn't complain, and I thought I shouldn't show any weakness.
I thought I had to work hard and lead the way.

But what I really needed,
was not to keep saying 'I'm fine,'
but to face my own small changes,
'I want to rest'
'I'm struggling a bit'
and be able to share that with someone.

Now, I want to tell my past self

Back then, I think I might have been holding myself together by saying 'I'm okay'.

I was desperate back then.
I wanted to properly protect both the users and the staff.

That's why I feel like I ended up putting myself last.

But now, I want to tell my past self.

You don't have to carry it all by yourself.

It's okay to stop for a little while.
It's okay to take a proper rest.
It's okay to tell someone that you're struggling.

I want to tell you that it's okay to rely on those around you.

Because the fact that you are trying so hard is clearly understood.

Back then, I only thought about
cherishing those around me.

But in truth,
I think it would have been fine to cherish myself just as much.