Official: Astronaut Soichi Noguchi's Book "How to Live: Let's Talk About the Hard Times" - Preface

On September 27, Ascom released the book "How to Live: Let's Talk About the Hard Times" by astronaut Soichi Noguchi.
To commemorate the release, we are making the "Preface" available for free for a limited time.
Note: The duration of this free release is undecided. It may end without prior notice.

Preface

"Did your outlook on life change after going to space?"

In 1996, I applied to the National Space Development Agency of Japan (NASDA, now the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency, or JAXA) and was selected as an astronaut candidate at the age of 31. I retired from JAXA on June 1, 2022, at the age of 57.
During that time, I went to space a total of three times as an astronaut.

I first went to space in 2005 at the age of 40, and ever since then, I have been asked the following question countless times.

"Did your outlook on life change after going to space?"

I certainly understand why so many people ask this question.
Alan Shepard, the first American astronaut, said after landing on the moon, "I was a rotten son of a bitch before I went to the moon, but I'm a normal guy now," and the late author Takashi Tachibana, whom I once sought guidance from, wrote the following in "Return from Space" (Chuokoron-Shinsha):

"What kind of internal changes did the astronauts, who had the most unique experience in human history—the experience of space—undergo as a result? (Omitted) I do not know how much the experience was consciously perceived by the individuals themselves, but it must have had a profound internal impact on their consciousness structure." Having nurtured my own longing and dreams for space through this masterpiece, I also always thought, "There is no way your outlook on life wouldn't change after having such a drastic experience as going to space."
However, when I actually went to space and returned, something I had never imagined was waiting for me.

When I couldn't understand the meaning of what I experienced in space

Going to space, living and working on missions in a zero-gravity environment with colleagues of different nationalities, races, and generations, looking at the Earth from the outside, and going outside the spacecraft to perform various tasks while on the verge of death.
These were all wonderful experiences that could not be replaced by anything else.

However, as someone who had just returned from space, I could not understand the meaning of what I had experienced there.
In particular, my first flight lasted only two weeks, and I felt that it ended while I was caught up in missions and emotionally shaken by various events that you can never experience on Earth.
Moreover, because preparations for my second flight began immediately afterward, I didn't have the luxury of calmly thinking about "what changed in me after going to space."

Even so, I felt I had to prepare a positive answer to the question, "Did your outlook on life change after going to space?" and show some internal growth.
That is what I thought at the time.
Because that is what many people expected of me.

I wasn't sure if my outlook on life had actually changed after going to space, but I felt I had to meet people's expectations and say it had.
While harboring that gap and sense of discomfort, I was kept busy with preparations for my second flight, and in 2009, I took off into space once again.

The painful 10 years that followed my second flight

On my second flight, I stayed at the International Space Station (ISS) for about six months, accomplished various missions, and broke the record for the longest space stay by a Japanese astronaut at that time.
I also shared information via Twitter (now X), interacted with Earth in real-time, and appeared on television variety shows via satellite link.
I also had a desire to grasp, in my own way, the meaning of myself—and humanity—going to space.

However, although it is not widely known, after my second flight, I ended up suffering a great deal.

One of the major causes of my suffering was that the pressure (the heavy weight) of "achieving missions in space," which had been in my mind day and night, was lifted, and I lost my sense of direction regarding where I should head in the future.

Also, as other astronauts were successively in the spotlight and the records I had set were being broken, I began to feel that "I was no longer needed" and "I had no value." I became tormented by thoughts like, "What was it that I was so obsessed with?" and "If that has no value, then what is the meaning of my existence?" and I lost the motivation to do anything at all.

The suffering lasted for about 10 years, from my mid-40s to my mid-50s.
These 10 years, filled with a sense of loneliness and loss, were a "period full of hardship" for me.

I think I was probably the gloomiest astronaut in space at that time.

What I learned through a journey into my own heart, which is further away than space

Space taught me many things that I could not have understood just by living on Earth.

That the Earth and each human being exist in a one-to-one relationship, and that the Earth is a collection of the lives of every individual human being.
That in outer space, there is no gravity, no sound, and no sign of life, and in that void, only the Earth feels like a living presence, shining brilliantly.
That the things we usually take for granted or consider 'absolute' are never taken for granted or absolute in space.

However, on the other hand, going to space is ultimately just an 'experience,' and just because you have been to space does not mean you become a saint, nor are there things you cannot find or understand even if you go to space many times.
For example, the answers to questions such as 'Who am I?', 'What do I live for?', 'Where do I want to walk toward?', and 'What should I do to live a life without regrets?' cannot be found just by going to space.

During the ten years I suffered, I had the opportunity to participate in 'first-person research' at a university, write papers and books, and do various other things, while desperately facing myself and ruminating on my two past space experiences.
Through that journey into my own heart, which might be said to be 'further away than space,' I finally understood something.

It was this:

'As long as you build your identity of "what kind of person you are" based on the values and evaluations of others, get happy or sad by comparing yourself to others, or only chase goals given to you by others, you cannot be truly happy.'

'To live a fulfilling life that is true to yourself, you must face yourself firmly, build your identity on your own, and decide for yourself the direction, goals, and mission you should fulfill in life.'

'The answer to how you can live happily is within you, and you should just walk in the direction your feet are pointing.'

That was it.

What is necessary to live a life without regrets

The root cause of my suffering was that I was thinking about things like 'what kind of person I am' and 'what I really want to do' based on the values and evaluations of others.

The goal of 'wanting to become an astronaut' and 'wanting to go to space' was, of course, something I decided for myself, but both in the process of becoming an astronaut and after becoming one, I was constantly compared to others, evaluated by others, chasing goals and missions given by others, swayed by the intentions of others and the circumstances of organizations and society, and there was almost nothing I could control myself.

Also, I myself had never thought about 'what kind of person I am' or 'what I want to do after going to space' after firmly facing my own inner self.

If you do not experience building your identity on your own and deciding your life's direction, goals, and mission, and instead leave yourself to the values and evaluations of others, even if you win the competition and achieve your goals, or produce results and are recognized within an organization, you will lose your identity and the direction of your life at the same time you achieve your goals or leave the organization.

What should I do to live a life truly without regrets?

Having finally found the answer after ten years of suffering, I decided to leave the organization called JAXA before reaching retirement age and start walking on my own two feet.

Space gives you two impacts: positive and negative.
The positive impact is that you can acquire a cosmic perspective by confronting the dazzling appearance of the Earth one-on-one; the negative impact is that the more dazzling that space experience is, the greater the gap when you 'return to daily life' afterward, which can lead to 'burnout syndrome.'

These two impacts actually mature within me over time, but I now believe that by finally being able to overcome the negative impact, I was finally able to reach my own identity.

Even if you cannot control death,
you can move your life as you wish

For anyone, not just astronauts, living without regrets is extremely difficult. I myself am still in the midst of struggling to find a way of life that is truly my own.

However, based on what I learned in space and during my ten years of suffering, I decided to take up my pen because I wanted to face the question of 'what identity means to a human being' head-on and share it with the many people who are struggling with similar issues of identity.

Death will surely come to everyone someday, and we cannot control our own death.

But until we reach the end of our natural lives, we can proactively steer our own lives. If you are alive when you wake up in the morning, you can think for yourself about that day's life and how to live it, and then put it into action. As I will describe later, this is my honest realization from losing colleagues I trained with in accidents and working side-by-side with death in the dangerous environment of space.

Facing one's own heart, or one's own life, may perhaps be a more difficult journey than going to space.

But through that journey, we can build our own identity, determine the direction and goals of how we live, and decide the mission we must fulfill.

I hope this book will be a catalyst for as many people as possible to live a life that is true to themselves and free of regrets.

This concludes the freely available preface.

Please enjoy the rest in the book. From the Editorial Department