I Love My Emotions

I thought that I was afraid of my heart freezing over.

More than being hurt, more than being rejected,
I am more afraid of becoming unable to feel anything at all.
As I stared at that thought, one thing became clear.

I love my emotions.

Even after being tossed about by them this much,
I have not come to hate the way my emotions sway.

There are times when I am sad.
There are times when I am in pain.
There are times when my heart is stirred uncontrollably,
and I think I just can't take it anymore.

Even so, I think that somewhere deep down,
I truly love this version of myself that sways like that.

I love the parts of me that are so human.

The parts that aren't neatly polished.
The parts that cannot be resolved by logic.
The way I get happy because I like something,
the way I feel real pain when I am hurt,
and the way I want to say I'm lonely when I am.

I feel like I have always cherished those things.

That is why I think I am afraid of becoming unable to feel anything.

Suppressing my emotions.
Pretending to be calm when I am actually shaken.
Faking my true feelings and pretending that nothing is wrong.

To me, that is not growing up,
nor is it becoming strong; it is closer to a betrayal of myself.

Of course, living honestly comes with a price.

There are times I am misunderstood.
There are times I am misjudged.
There are even times when my enemies increase.

If I express my emotions, people might think I am difficult,
and the more honest I am, the more clumsy I might appear.

But even while fearing such things,
I think that in the end, I have always managed not to betray myself.

What makes me happy makes me happy.
What makes me sad makes me sad.
What I like, I like.
When I am in pain, I am in pain.

I have tried to remain just as I am.

Perhaps I have chosen to live honestly,
rather than living skillfully.

I have lost things because of that.
I have been hurt many times.
But even so, I cannot bring myself to hate the version of me that has emotions.

Actually, I like them.

Having my heart moved.
Being drawn to someone.
Thinking of someone until it hurts.
Being helplessly shaken.

I think these are not signs of weakness or immaturity,
but rather proof that I am who I am.

That is why I do not want to choose to stop feeling anything.

Perhaps it would be easier if I just froze over.
Perhaps I could avoid getting hurt if I just pretended to be calm.
But in exchange for that,
I feel like I would lose the things that are precious to me.

I like my emotions.

Even after being pushed and pulled this much, the fact that I can still think this way,
is something I am actually a little proud of.

Aru.