What Remained in a Relationship That Was About to Break

I thought it might be over.
Or perhaps, I was on the verge of ending it myself.

It was painful, it was lonely, and
I also felt that continuing like this would only lead to more hurt.
Shaken by his words and the way he created distance,
there were moments when I felt I couldn't take it anymore.

Even so, I held on at the very last moment.
Looking back on it now,
I don't think it was because I wanted to cling to him.

The biggest factor was
that I didn't want to betray my own words.

In the past,
I had told him that I would not leave him alone.
No matter how much things wavered,
I didn't want to walk away easily.

Of course, that doesn't mean I would endure anything he did.
It doesn't mean I would sacrifice myself to protect the relationship.
But at the very least,
I didn't want to simply discard the words that were born within me from his love
just because of a wave of emotion.

It hurts, so I'll end it.
I was hurt, so I'll leave.
I think that is one choice.
It is not wrong.

But at that time,
I could see what would remain after making that choice.
It wouldn't be a 'self that protected itself,' but rather
the feeling of having broken the words I had spoken myself.

I think, perhaps, I wanted to protect not just my relationship with him,
but the kind of person I wanted to be.

That is why, instead of cutting ties based on emotion,
I expressed my feelings as my own foundation.

Those words were not meant to corner him.
They were not meant to force an answer,
nor were they meant to demand a guarantee for the relationship.

I conveyed how I felt,
and how I wanted to be,
as the place where I stood.

Thinking about it now, perhaps because it took that form,
it might have been easier for him, as someone who tends to avoid, to receive.

People with avoidant tendencies
can shut down even more
when they are interrogated, pressured for a conclusion,
or when strong emotions are directed straight at them.

Even if they truly have feelings,
they can become overwhelmed before they can accept them,
and distance themselves as if to escape.

So at that time,
instead of me pressing him with 'What about you?',
presenting 'This is how I feel' as my own foundation
might have been a form that was easier for him to accept.

In addition to that, I told him that no reply was necessary.
That wasn't out of resignation, but out of consideration.

For someone who tends to avoid,
the pressure of having to reply or having to show something
can, I believe, become a source of pain in itself.

That is why I thought
I would properly convey my feelings once,
and if they reached him, that would be enough.

But after that, a reply in his own way came.
It didn't come back in the same direct form.
It was a way of shifting things that was typical of him,
and it wasn't in easy-to-understand words.

Even so, I
believe this was his own way of responding as best he could.

Even if not directly,
even if it took a slightly different form,
he still tried to return something.
Instead of closing it off completely,
he managed to keep the connection alive, however thin it might be.

I think I was able to properly receive that.

This was very significant.

If it were the old me,
I might have been hurt that it wasn't in the form I had hoped for.
Why couldn't he express himself in clear words or actions?
Why couldn't he meet me with the same intensity and warmth?
I might have only focused on those shortcomings.

But this time, it was a little different.

Even while avoiding,
he still didn't cut ties.
Even while wanting to run away,
he didn't leave completely.

I was able to perceive the intention within that awkwardness
better than I had before.

It's thin, but I want to maintain the connection.
Even if I can't go deep,
I don't want to reduce it to zero.
I think that was the feeling he had inside.

That is not a clear or strong expression.
However, for someone who is avoidant,
I believe that act of 'trying to stay connected, however thinly' itself
is one of the greatest expressions of love they can offer.

This time,
when the relationship was about to break,
I didn't just get swallowed by anxiety,
I stood by my own words.

And at the same time,
I also tried to receive what was
within his awkward way of responding.

Because both were present,
I think I was able to see what still remained
within a relationship that was on the verge of breaking.

It may not be the clear, intense heat of the past.
It may not be a confirmation like a strong embrace.

But the fact that it didn't break.
The fact that we didn't cut ties.
And the fact that neither of us let go of that thin thread.

There was certainly
something that remained there.

The philosopher Plato
saw love not just as an emotional surge,
but as a force that moves people toward something better.
It is not about being swallowed by immediate desires or anxieties,
but a movement toward what is truly important deep down.
I think love has that aspect to it.

If that is the case,
perhaps what I was trying to protect that night
was not just the relationship with him.

What kind of words do I hold,
and what kind of person do I want to be?
And trying to see what lies beyond the other person's awkwardness
without easily discarding it.

That was surely
a moment where I was lifted a little higher by love,
that kind of moment.

In a relationship that was on the verge of breaking,
what remained nonetheless.

I think it was
not the other person's easy-to-understand words,
but the resolve I held within myself,
and a will that, however thin, did not break.

Aru.