Perhaps he wasn't running away, but simply didn't know how to face things

I don't know where to start writing about him.
I don't know where to start writing about him.

Since I wrote about it in my previous article,
so many things have really happened.

I felt like we got closer, only to feel like we drifted apart.
I thought we understood each other, only to be hurt again.
There were days I felt loved,
and days I wondered why I felt so lonely.

I had always
thought he might be an avoidant type.

He dislikes having people step into his deeper self.
He doesn't talk much about himself.
He becomes vague when things get inconvenient.
He takes a little distance when his emotions are stirred.
Even though it seems like he loves me,
he never comes to me when it matters most.

Watching him like that,
I thought this was avoidance.

But recently, my perspective has changed just a little.

He,
rather than being someone who wants to run away,
might just be someone who didn't know how to face things.

Of course,
that doesn't mean I wasn't hurt by it.

There were times I was hurt by his words.
There were times I felt lonely because of his attitude.
There were times I felt like I was left behind when it mattered most.

If you love me, why won't you say it?
If you love me, why won't you face me properly?
Why is it that I'm the only one thinking so much,
and I'm the only one who feels like I'm holding this relationship together?

I thought that many times.

Even so,
he didn't completely run away.

He was clumsy,
lacked words,
wasn't good at handling his own emotions,
and from my perspective,
it was just one thing after another where I thought,
"Why would you do that in that situation?"

But he didn't cut me off.
He didn't close himself off completely.
He was,
little by little, trying to notice that I was hurt.
Even if it was awkward, he was trying to remain in the relationship.

That
was a little different from the image of the "avoidant type" I had in my head.

If he were truly just an avoidant person,
he might have run away much sooner.

The moment things became troublesome,
he might have ended the relationship already.

But he,
while being afraid,
and while being clumsy,
was trying to face things somewhere deep down.

When I realized that,
I was a little surprised.

Ah,
I realized he wasn't just someone who wanted to run away.

It's just that his ability to face things hadn't developed yet.
He wasn't used to putting his feelings into words.
He didn't know how to handle the way he felt
when he loved someone deeply.

And as for me,
I think I was accepting his clumsiness too much.

If he couldn't say it, I had to read between the lines.
If he was unstable, I had to support him.
If he was a wounded person, I had to understand him.

By doing that,
I tried only to look at his heart,
and put my own pain on the back burner.

But if I do that,
it will eventually become painful.

I wanted to understand him.
But understanding someone is different from
pretending that my own hurt didn't happen.

Loving him is different from
leaving my own dignity behind.

So lately,
I have been coming back to my own side little by little.

I am hurt right now.
The other person's rightness and my pain are separate things.
First, I protect my own heart.

That is what I have come to think.

Then, strangely enough,
I began to see him a little more calmly.

He hurt me.
That is a fact.

But he
didn't think I was unimportant.

He was immature.
But he wasn't someone who would irresponsibly run away forever.

He loved me.
But he didn't know how to love.

Perhaps that was it.
This is just my own imagination.

And,
the day came when we could face each other.

It was
less of a dramatic reconciliation,
and more of a feeling that a knot
that had been tangled for a long time had loosened just a little.

Ah, I thought,
it took so long to get this far.

I was hurt,
I was angry,
I felt sad,
I thought it was impossible many times,
and yet, somewhere, I couldn't completely let go,
and I re-examined my own heart over and over.

It was a time to assess him,
and it was also a time for me to reclaim myself.

Did he change?
Did I change?

I believe it is surely both.

Little by little,
instead of running from what was inside him,
he began to choose to remain in the relationship.

Little by little,
instead of prioritizing supporting him,
I became able to choose to protect my own dignity.

That is why, at last,
we may have reached a place where we can face each other.

Nothing is complete yet.

I honestly still don't know,
what will become of this relationship from here on.

But there is one thing I want to record.

I had always thought of him,
as someone with an avoidant attachment style.

But now,
I think that perhaps he wasn't just running away,
but was someone who simply didn't know how to face things.

And the fact that he,
tried to face them, even if just a little.

And the fact that I, too,
tried to face him without losing myself.

That,
was a major change for us.

Love,
was not just something sweet.

There are times when you get hurt.
There are times when you clash.
There are times when you have to show your own immaturity.
There are times when you touch the other person's weaknesses and feel pained.

But within that,
trying to stay without running away.
Not just blaming the other person,
but also returning to your own heart.
And trying to exchange words once more.

That, too,
might be one form of love.

We are still on the way.

But, precisely because I am in the middle of it,
I want to record what I am seeing now.

Perhaps he wasn't running away,
but simply didn't know how to face it.

And I,
while loving him,
began to learn how to protect myself.

I am leaving this record behind,
as a milestone for myself,
while I am still on this journey.

Aru.