There is a trash can in my heart for 'insults' | Feeling and moving based on my own values, and the world as seen through my eyes

“There is a trash can in my heart where I put ‘insults.’ A garbage truck comes by only once every three days to take the trash away. But by the third day, the trash can is always overflowing and it’s painful, which is why I just can’t stop feeling irritable at those times.”

These are the words my son, now in sixth grade, suddenly said to me when he was in second grade.

When I heard that, I honestly froze in bewilderment, thinking, ‘Huh? What is this? Is he a poet?!’

That was because I myself was a very typical child who could express my feelings directly, saying things like ‘I want to do that!’ or ‘I don’t like this!,’ and I couldn’t even imagine such words coming from a small child still in second grade.

My son is the serious, kind, and quiet type.

Ever since he was in kindergarten, even when friends did or said unpleasant things to him, he never once told his teacher about it.

Even when I offered to tell the teacher, he would forbid me, saying, ‘I don’t want [Name] to get in trouble because of that, so please don’t ever say anything!’

Since that didn’t solve anything, my son suffered from severe tic symptoms from kindergarten through fourth grade, such as head shaking, sticking out his lips, blinking, and sniffling, and he spent his days taking out all the frustration he built up outside on his younger sister.

I had to protect my daughter, who was being hurt by her brother’s outbursts, but considering my eldest son’s feelings, it was difficult to just scold him harshly, and there was a period when I struggled with how to handle it.

When I heard his opening words, I felt strongly that he was clearly a different type from me, so I wondered what kind of response would be desirable for a child like my son.

I decided to consult my older sister, who is also of a sensitive type.

My sister said, ‘I understand that well,’ and gave me just one piece of advice.

She told me, ‘You just need to keep telling him, “I am always watching you. I am looking out for you.”’

My younger daughter, who was the target of my son’s aggression, was a ‘master of happiness’ from birth, and she almost only ever saw the good side of things happening in front of her and of herself.

Her favorite saying was, ‘I’m so amazing that I could cry.’

Even if something bad happened for a moment, she would never dwell on it; she was the kind of child who would scream ‘Waaaah!’ like an instant water heater, and then immediately think of something else fun to do.

‘Even though I’m being bullied by my big brother, Mom, you never scold him at all!!’

While I worried that I might be hurting my daughter by making her feel like she wasn't as cherished as her brother,

I wanted her to understand why I didn't scold my son harshly, so I tried to stop him without getting emotional as much as possible, while at the same time continuing to explain his struggles to my daughter.

'What is frustration?' 'What does it mean to be troubled?'

My daughter, who doesn't let things bother her, seemed unable to understand her brother's struggles, but the fact that she accepted my decision not to scold him harshly by saying 'Well, that's fine' was a real salvation for me.

Once, while in the bath, I asked her point-blank, 'Who do you think is more cherished, you or your brother?'

To that question, she answered as if it were obvious, 'Huh!? That's obviously me! Because I'm the kind of kid who's so amazing it makes people cry!'

I have nothing but gratitude for my daughter, thanks to whom I was able to overcome my son's crisis.

My eldest son had a hard time expressing his feelings to friends, but thanks to the online game 'Fortnite' which he started in the fourth grade, he gained confidence and changed dramatically into a child who could say no to things he didn't like.

He began to gradually convey his feelings, which he couldn't express face-to-face, to his school friends through conversations during the game.

'Your personality is totally different in the game than at school!' he was teased by his friends, and through that, he became able to say no to things he didn't like in real life too.

Also, my son has an outstanding sense for games, and the fact that he came to be respected by his friends contributed greatly to his emotional growth.

Fortnite originally has an age restriction of '15 and up'.

I think there are pros and cons to elementary school students playing that game, but the improvement of the tic symptoms that had lasted for over four years was entirely thanks to Fortnite.

'I'm going to be number one in the world at Fortnite while I'm in high school!!'

We persuaded my husband, bought a gaming PC, and now our whole family is supporting my son in his quest to achieve the title of world's best at Fortnite.

A new trial came to my son, whose tics had improved.

A girl named K-chan, who was in the same school commute group and had moved in during the middle of fourth grade, suddenly started kicking him from behind and harassing him with insults like 'You're annoying! You're gross!'

When he became a fifth grader and ended up in the same class as K-chan, he was very shocked, and from then on, every time they passed each other in the classroom, she would shower him with insults like 'You're annoying! Don't get involved with me.'

My son told me about what happened with K-chan every time, but he kept saying, 'I'm still okay, so please don't tell the teacher.'

Along with talking to my son about 'I wonder what K-chan is struggling with,' I kept telling him, 'No matter what circumstances K-chan might have, that is no reason for you to be attacked. There is absolutely no need for you to endure it. I will go to the school and help you at any time.'

By the time the fifth grade year ended, had there been some change in K-chan's feelings?

The harassment that had been going on until then disappeared as if it were a lie, and he started talking about games and YouTube normally.

My son started reporting to me happily every day, 'K has started talking to me in a friendly way lately!'

I felt truly proud of my son, who accepted K-chan—who had caused him so much suffering until then—just as he was and was happy to be able to get along with him; I thought he was an amazing child.

'I have a trash can for "insults" in my heart'

From his own experience, my son could clearly see the trash can in K-chan's heart.

And surely, he must have been able to understand the feelings of when that trash can is full and painful, right?

At the very least, I think he was trying to understand.

☘

Having read the story up to this point, which parts did you pay more attention to, and what kind of impressions did you have?

This article I wrote has absolutely no intention of appealing for how things should be or what should be done regarding the 'bullying problem' in the world.

I would appreciate it if you could understand that the text above is just an introduction to an episode that happened in our home, written from 'my perspective.'

It looked this way from my perspective, but if you were to stand from the perspectives of my 'son,' 'daughter,' or 'K-chan,' I think there would be a different world.

And now, for those who have read this far, from what perspective are you viewing this text, and what are you feeling? I have no idea at all.

Some might praise my son, saying, 'Your son is amazing. He's a good boy.'

Others might feel that I am 'sugarcoating things and glorifying the side that is bullying.'

Some might think that my interpretation of 'my son trying to understand K-chan' is just 'you are seeing things in a way that suits you. You should worry about your son first rather than being considerate of others.'

Also, some might have felt a sense of unease at every word I said to my children.

Some might have focused on the fact that our family allows Fortnite, thinking, 'That's against the rules!'

I myself can only judge things based on the values I have gained from my own life experiences.

The story I have written here is about the world as seen from my perspective, taking actions that I believe are 'right'.

When reading a text that spells out exactly what I felt from my perspective, where do you, the readers, focus, and where do you feel a 'hitch'?

Even when reading the same text, I think it will be completely different depending on the reader's past experiences.

This article has no punchline.

However, it is my ideal to become a person who can feel and understand the thoughts of more people.

By learning about the ways of thinking of people in various positions, I want to become a person who can imagine the background behind the words and actions that others take.

I have such a strong desire.

Seeing these words written by someone, I remembered the story of the trash can in my heart and wanted to write this article.

I really want to know what positions the people in this world are in and what they are feeling.

The textbook for that is the 'articles written with the author's honest feelings' that overflow on this note timeline.

I once wrote about feelings I couldn't quite organize in this article here.

'Articles written with the author's honest feelings' cannot completely eliminate the risk of making someone uncomfortable, hurting them, or being criticized.

In the midst of that, I am always truly grateful to be able to read articles that give me a chance to think about something and learn, just like this.

If I have hurt anyone with this article I wrote, I am sorry.

Instead, even if it is not empathy, I would be happy if it became a chance for someone to think about something.

Thank you for reading until the end.

(Bonus)
At dinner yesterday, I asked my son, 'Do you remember the story about the trash can in my heart?'
At that moment, my daughter immediately interrupted and said, 'I remember that! I remember! But I don't have a trash can or any trash at all, though♬.' She is the same as ever.

My son said, 'The garbage truck comes once a week now, but the trash never gets full.'
I am grateful that both of my children are healthy in mind and body!