Her Terminal Diagnosis and a Kind Lie

Some time ago, my female cousin passed away at a hospital in Sapporo.
She was 42 years old. She passed away quietly after a battle with cancer.

In fact, when I returned to my parents' home last year, her mother told me, "I don't think she will last until next spring."

After much deliberation, the family decided not to tell her. I followed the family's wishes and pretended I knew nothing.

In early October last year, when planners for the coming year were starting to appear in stores, I asked her, "What would you like me to bring you?" She asked me to buy her a 2024 planner.

Even though COVID-19 has been reclassified to a lower category, hospital visits are not as free as they used to be. The hospital rules required booking in advance, and each visit was limited to 30 minutes.

When I handed her the planner through the nurse station, she was delighted and immediately began writing down her plans.

The doctors had told her she had three months to live.

She, who only had three months left, was happily making plans for one or two years ahead. The planner was filled with various plans and hopes.

Go to Starbucks
Eat my favorite [item]
Try doing [activity]
Go buy [item]

It was painful for me to watch, so I quietly left the hospital room. I wanted to say something, but no words would come out.

"Go to Starbucks"
"Eat my favorite [item]"

These were all simple plans. Things she could have done right away if she were healthy.
They didn't require much money or any major decisions.

However, she passed away quietly without any of these being realized.

It happened five months after she was given her terminal diagnosis.

A little while later, I heard about her from my aunt.

Even though we thought she didn't know about her illness, it seems she had properly written an ending note.

An ending note is a notebook where one summarizes things they want to convey so that their remaining family members are not troubled in the event of an emergency.

In that notebook, written in her characteristically meticulous handwriting, were the locations of all her belongings, how to distribute the savings and stocks she had been slowly accumulating, who to contact after her death, and her wishes for her funeral.

As someone who lived alone, she had also created a formal will at some point, which had been properly entrusted to a lawyer.

Until the very end, she was someone who was always considerate of those around her.

However, in order not to sadden her family, even though she actually knew about her life expectancy, she kept telling a "kind lie" and pretending she didn't know.

She left behind a notebook filled with many dreams and hopes, and then she passed away alone.

At that moment, a sentence from an article introduced to me by an acquaintance suddenly came to my mind.

It was written there as follows.

You must not hesitate to take a new step forward by using 'anxiety' or 'fear' as an excuse. When doing something new, you must not seek external reasons to justify your actions. Such things are unnecessary.

I believe that all you need is the impulse of 'because I wanted to do it,' and whether you succeed or fail is not important at all.

And above all, the most important thing is that sooner or later, 'a day will surely come when (since we only live in the present) we will no longer be able to succeed or fail.'

Life is short.
Everyone must die.

We only live in the present, yet there is really no reason to hesitate to do what we want to do.

Let's do what we want to do. Let's do what we feel like doing.
I believe that the path to glory is born from there.

Now, as I look at my schedule from spring onwards, I am asking myself.

"Is this work really necessary? Do I really want to do this now?"

Even if no one praises me, and even if no one evaluates it as good, is it something I truly want to do from the bottom of my heart?

Is there anything I am doing because I was asked by someone, because I couldn't refuse, or because I feel I have to do it even though I don't really want to?

Having been on the verge of death four times, I have been conscious of death somewhere, yet I still thought I had plenty of time left.

I have put off various things, saying 'that's for tomorrow,' 'this is for next week,' and 'that one is for next year,' but no one knows if that time is actually left for me.

Looking at the notebook she left behind, I felt this intensely.

• Let's cherish my own 'desire to do things' more.

• Let's listen more to the 'sense of discomfort' within myself.

• Let's stop making excuses to ourselves with "someday."

• Let's stop looking for reasons why we can't, and stop pretending we don't care.

• Let's listen more and more to our "inner voice" and the "call of our soul."

Let's live in a way that we wouldn't mind if our life ended at any moment.

Let's cherish what is right in front of us with all our might.

Just do it because you want to.

Isn't that enough?

Before my healthy life expectancy runs out, I will do everything I want to do.

That was what I thought on the last day of March.

*This story is true. I have included some fakes to avoid being identified.
*If you'd like, please let me know your thoughts in the likes or comments.