Focusing on what I 'cannot do' rather than what I 'can do'
'I should have been able to do more.'
Such words often cross my mind.
Even after finishing a task, I reflect, thinking, 'I could have done that better,' and even when praised by others, I think, 'But there are still parts I haven't mastered.'
I remember what I couldn't do more than what I could.
I used to think that was just my personality.
But recently, I've started to think that it might not be my personality, but rather a 'habit of thought' acquired through 15 years of rhythmic gymnastics.
Rhythmic gymnastics was a 'sport of finding areas for improvement'
In rhythmic gymnastics, it doesn't end once you create a routine.
From there, you repeat the same routine over and over, making improvements to make it even slightly better.
'Point your toes more.'
'Soften your wrists.'
'Raise your gaze just a little more.'
Most of the words from my coach were not about what I was doing right, but about 'where I could do better.'
And naturally, I would also look back at my own performance, searching for 'what I could fix' or 'what was lacking.'
The better one is at finding areas for improvement, the more polished the performance becomes, and as a result, the higher the evaluation.
That is why I desperately kept training that ability for 15 years.
At the time, that was the right answer.
The mindset remained even after leaving the sport
Even after retiring from rhythmic gymnastics and entering the workforce, that way of thinking did not change.
At work,
'This part was no good.'
In relationships,
'I should have said it like this.'
Even when looking back on the day, all I remember is reflection.
Of course, reflection leads to growth.
But reflection alone cannot correctly evaluate oneself.
What I have become able to do.
How I have grown compared to before.
The process of working hard.
Because those things become invisible.
A strength that was a weapon can sometimes cause suffering
I always thought, 'I am negative because I only look at what I cannot do.'
But that was wrong.
It was a way of life acquired in the environment I spent many years in.
The ability to find areas for improvement is a great weapon in sports.
That is why it might be natural that this habit remains in me even now.
Since I have been able to think that way, the number of times I blame myself has decreased slightly.
'Oh, I'm looking for areas for improvement again.'
That is because I have become able to take a step back and see it that way.
Now I want to focus on what I 'could do' as well
Of course, I don't want to completely eliminate this way of thinking.
Because the ability to find areas for improvement is an important strength that has helped me grow this far.
But doing only that becomes painful.
So recently, I try to recall at least one thing I 'could do' at the end of the day.
Even small things are fine.
Something I grew in slightly more than yesterday.
Something I had the courage to try.
Something kind I did for someone.
I have started making time to acknowledge such small 'I did it' moments.
I want to cultivate the ability to acknowledge myself as much as the ability to see areas for improvement.
That is what I think now.
Finally
If you also find yourself focusing only on what you cannot do rather than what you can.
It might not be because you are negative or have a personality that is too strict with yourself.
It might be a habit of thought that you naturally acquired in the environment and experiences you have had until now.
That habit is surely also a strength that has supported you until now.
So it is okay not to force yourself to deny it.
Just, instead of using that strength only to blame yourself, please also use it to acknowledge your own growth.
If you are someone who can notice areas for improvement, you should surely be able to notice 'what you were able to do today' as well.
Just for today, after reading this article, please try asking yourself one thing.
'What was I able to do today?'
Finding that answer might be the trigger that allows you to see yourself a little more kindly.